Truely, Madly, Deeply

[my music: These Are The Times To Remember ~ Billy Joel]

Right now, I am Truely, Madly, Deeply in love with the life i live. Thanksgiving apparently hit me a little late this year. But tonight I came back to my room after getting a sick sick massage from my fave naughty boy, and I just started looking at pictures. Last year's may album from my quinnipiac 05-06 collection is quite possibly one of my fave albums ever!!! Life for me would be so different right now if i had not met the people that i now consider practically my family. When a huge chapter of my life ended, my girls helped me get through it. It was because of them that I now stand here and feel like as long as I have them, I never have to depend on a relationship with a guy the way that i previously had. When there was a huge loss in my family, the girls made it so much easier by sending my family flowers. I will never forget my parents calling my name when i was in the basement with my sisters telling me that someone had sent me flowers. I never thought receiving a floral arrangement from a bunch of girls could make this girl so happy!!! I seriously love stini, em, jess, tara, courtney and cassie more than they will ever begin to understand. We talk shit about each other, we make fun of each other, but more than that: we cry, laugh, get drunk, pass out, eat, shop, and do so many other things that most people would probably consider incredibly inappropriate. In a little over a year and a half, you girls have become my roommates, my best friends, my party/study/libby run/exercise partners, and the reason why I love college.
Outside of the most lovely suite in all of Quinnipiac, so many other people have shaped my life more than they can see. The London girls. What can I say about the 8 of us, nearly complete strangers, voluntarily getting on a plane and traveling across the great pond we know as the Atlantic, and staying in a college dorm in the middle of London. A place where obviously NONE OF US were too acquainted with. If I could do it all over again, there are maybe a few things here and there that I would love to change ((wouldn't we all)), but I would still volunteer to get lost with you guys, dance with random british strippers, try to get into a gay bar without knowing it was actually a gay bar, change our names to random and clearly made-up names, eat 400 times at Pizza Express, fall in love with Shakespearean actors, freak out over spiders, watch Brittany get stung on the armpit and burn her eye ball out, I would still bleed across Regents Park, play jumbo connect four, and pay 12 dollars for a decent hamburger. We cried, laughed, and got completely bolloxed, and that was what made those 3 weeks of my life, the most incredible vacation/learning experience I have ever had. Even with the caddiness and straight up nastiness of some, I would not give up that experience for anything in the world. Brittany, Amanda, Natalie, Stef, Alex, Betsy, Nicole and of course MaJo. Forever and always, in my mind we will be the London Lovers.
Naturally, my life would be incomplete with out the swarms of boys that love me terribly! Just playing!!!! sheesh! I love the boys in my life. They're crazy, off the wall, cracked out, and quite possibly a direct reflection of me and my girls!! Life would def be more dull without the inappropriate jokes, late night heart to hearts, mortal kombat at 3 in the morning, and every other little thing that we've had together. The troup boys. What can i say about the troup boys. Def my fave of the entire male species. Kris, Josh, Andy, Ian, Wolpy, Dave, Kevin & Jon will forever be the 130 boys in my mind... and i dont care if you never see troup 130 ever again! Then Patrick, Adam, Chris & the rest of the 280 boys def became my fave late night hang out at the end of first semester and second semester... i dont know what food i would have eaten if I didn't hang out with you boys so much! Now that lovely suite plus naughty, still my fave. Most quinnipiac boys make me want to vomit, but you boys have all made college THAT much more fun for me.
pretty much I love all my college friends!!!!!!! thank you so much for always being there.

You must not know bout me...

[my music: Ohio is for Lovers ~ Hawthorne Heights]

I love that some people in my life will never ever even come close to understanding what it is that they do to me. For a long time in my mind there has been one male friend that I had in RoCo that meant a lot to me. But no matter how hard I tried to be there, and gain the type of friendship that I saw that he and I could have, I never meant the same to him. I was never anything to him. He always chose the stupid immature asshole friends that were always obviously behind him. In the meantime he was never able to share so many stories with them for fear of ridicule or whatever his reasons were, so where did he go? He came to me. We had this connection and incredible trust between us especially during the fall of 2005 when both of us ended relationships. My relationship was obviously more of a severe break up, but we were always there for each other. So on a night like this, I can only wonder why I was never worth defending against the slanderous mouths of disgusting individuals? I expected more. Perhaps to much, but at least an honest effort to stop the drunken blabbering of slobs I think is understandable. Men will never understand what it is to not be high school slobs anymore.
So many men hang on to their glory years with white, tired and bleeding nuckles. The two of you are juniors in college for christ's sake. Guys complain about the demands placed on them by girls the same age, and women are never satisfied. Well maybe if guys acted their age as opposed to continuing to act like the scrawny underdeveloped 9th graders just discovering alcohol and boobies, the world would be much easier and women would not have to seek older men. The only reason why guys at the age of 20 are still dating high school students is because they understand the fact that their female counterparts will not waste their time or energy to actually take a second look. The guys that walk around with their tight fitting tees that show off how tiny their frame is, with large clearly metrosexual aviators, fitted jeans and sporting this unnecessary and obviously misplaced arrogance, thinking that they can get whatever they want from whomever. Newsflash baby. A girl may try you out, realize how underdeveloped you are, and leave you like a pair of last season's abercrombie jeans. Then we have the oversized guys that think because they are in college, they are automatically the coolest guy to ever walk the face of the planet, and the only thing that is comparable to the size of their rather humorous ego is the size of his gut covered in awkward patches of hair. I have two words for these guys: false advertising. There is seriously no reason for you to be arrogant. You are neither goodlooking, nor do you have the personality, nor do you have the brain to back up any particle of arrogance that is normally allowed to a human being. You are undeserving of the respect of any female, you are undeserving of the trust, heart and body of any female. And most of all you are undeserving of many of the opportunities that you have been given because of the mere fact that you take everything in you life from your ability to buy certain clothes, your chance to go to college, and so many other tiny things that you have taken for granted.
I hope that now two slobs realize what assholes they have been and that I am not like other girls that have come in and out of their meaningless lives. You have always treated girls like they would never fight back because you have only dealt with the weak girls who fuel the fire that keeps your head infated. But tonight you decided ot mess with the one girl that is ready to come through with a chainsaw to rip that balloon head down.
Still... as for a certain friend whom I wanted to keep. Give me a reason to believe you...

Thanksssssgiving

[my music: Wherever I May Roam ~ Metallica]

On this day when one should give thanks, I am sitting here at the kitchen table alone, while family tragedies are being discussed over sugary cakes and pies. My mind is wandering as though on a mission to find something but i am completely unaware as to what it is. My tongue is on fire with things to say. Or maybe it's just MJ's salsa. The philosophical rantings have gotten the better of me lately. I don't think I can handle neither the painfully optimistic nor the painfully pessimistic views of the world that I am being bombarded with. Am I a negative person? I find that i might be mildly cynical these days. But at the same time, i remain naively hopeful for the world and the heart of man despite the pain that world and men have shown me especially in the last year. Expectations, murder, losing touch, losing heart, losing faith, losing love, while gaining myself have completely changed my perspective of this holiday that the country is celebrating today. i don't know anymore........ I look at so many different things and it hurts. But i remain completely thankful for the family that I still have, my mom, dad, missy, ang, krissy, and all of my cousins, aunts & uncles. And I seriously do not know where I would be without some of my best friends at the Q: jess, stini, em, court, tara & cass, patrick, langley, the london girls, and so many others. The Abercrombie kids!! My RoCo loves: zoila, jeremy, roberto, goldie and once again so many others. And last but certainly not least my kitty spanky! Life would not be the same with all of these people <3>

Musical Break: Beyonce Knowles

This song is pretty much what i've wanted to say for the last 2 weeks:

From Beyonce's Irreplaceable

standing in the front yard, telling me
how i'm such a fool, talkin' bout
how i'll never find a man like you
you got me twisted

you must not know bout me
you must not know bout me
i could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute baby

you must not know bout me
you must not know bout me
i can have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
y o u ' r e i r r e p l a c e a b l e

. . .

so since i'm not your everything
how about i'll be nothing? nothing at all to you
baby i won't shed a tear for you
i won't lose a wink of sleep
cause the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy



amen.
girl knows what she's talking about.

This is my cue...

[my music: Nightmare of You ~ Why Am I Always Right?]

You waltzed into my world blaring a puzzling confidence. cockiness. Why were you always so confident? I really don't know. I heard your voice, saw your lip ring, and remembered nothing else. You left, and i returned to my homework. Easy and simple. You came back over and over again. Pushing movie & tea nights, pushing conversations about art and music, pushing everything... and pushing nothing.

Stupidly i fell for you. I thought that you really cared about me... the way that you looked at me. The way that you bent down to kiss me. The way that you always cuddled me until i fell asleep and then went to bed because you can't sleep on your side. It was in the way you rubbed my back when we were standing with your friends. The way you sang and played your guitar. The way you played suspension for me and told me that's how you felt.

I want you to know that I'm not stupid. I am hopelessly naive at times, but I am not stupid. You always said you fell for me, but how does one pick themself up, dust themself off and find someone new so fast? You only wanted me for the chase. People said I was out of your league, so you wanted to show them that they were wrong. I was a prize. I was a goal. You got me, showed me off for a few weeks, proved that you won, and let me go. Congratulations Noah, you won. You want me to stick around for some reason, but this is where I gracefully bow out. Thank you and goodnight.

Poetic Break: Aching Bones

So basically forget the fact that I was going to post my London trip... no happening. I'm entirely too lazy to type up 3 weeks worth of journal entries... anywho... I am returning to writing poetry. yes. that is write. Samantha as a poet is back. Here is something that I wrote as part of a poetic composition class. The title is Aching Bones.

Once again I crawl back into your bed.
Naked, with my heart dangling on by a thread.
Tangled as one, our bones begin to ache
You're my one bad habit I cannot break.
Three months ago you decided to leave,
And for three lonely months, my heart did grieve.
I'm living everyday with your goodbye,
But we always come back, We don't know why.
The touch of hot skin reignites the flame
of previous years. Tell me you're the same.
You hold me like you did so long before
This time you are not mine. Of that I'm sure.
You're body's a playground for my fingers,
When the warmth is gone, the feeling lingers.
Pouty and clumsy lips I here to trace
Then you brush back my hair and kiss my face.
Tears build up, there's so much I want to say,
Like I love you, and wanted you to stay.
Scared, I just bite my tongue and stay silent,
And turn away from you -- my torment.
"I love you, but we can't make it right now"
you said. Agreement to this I avow.
This does not stop the pain I feel inside.
Perpetually, our hearts will collide
Until we learn how to stand on our own
Or grow old together with aching bones.

So basically...

[my music: Anything by Nickelback]

So basically i'm not gonna post my daily journal until i get home. Sorry kids.




I need to hear you say
i love you, i loved you all along
and i forgive you
for being away for far too long
So keep breathing
cuz I'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on to me and never let me go . . .

Day 3

[my music: L.O.V.E. ~ Ashlee Simpson]

Today was awesome... started off with a decent class. MaJo ((the professor's new name according to some of us girls here)) has such a chill way of teaching and this real soft voice so we were all kinda dozing off. It's rough having class at 9 am yo!
After class I ate the rest of my left over pizza from the night before... awesome. Then Betsy and I decided to take a nap cuz neither of us slept too well the night before. What an amazing nap it was.
The we trucked our asses down to the British Museum where we went on this tour that was extremely overpriced... the woman knew a lot, but we did not get to see more exhibits than we would have had we not gone on the tour at all. The museum is awesome, some pics will be up soon hopefully, but it's not air conditioned. How is it that London claims to be so up to date and modern, yet NO ONE HAS AIR CONDITIONING?! wtf mate? which reminds me, "cheers mate" has become quite the saying around here, we're crazy.
Good times were had by all today, funny jokes, good sightseeing, learning London pretty damn quickly too! Stef, Amanda, me, Natalie, Brittany & Betsy went to Pizza Express for the 3rd day in a row and it was just as good as day 1. We had the Chocolate Glory for dinner and that was sick... "We walked so much today that we died, and i tripped into heaven." we were delirious after dinner laughing about everything and anything.
Well I gotta run... tomorrow's post will have the rest of today's events & junk! Tomorrow is the Tower of London! Should be good, it's only 3.7 miles from Harrods!! Holla! which reminds me, i bought a sick sick hippo key chain today that says British Museum on the back! How sick is that?! ok loves! I'm out...

hugs & kisses

Day 2

Location: still Campbell House, UCL in London, UK

[my music ~ Déjà vu ~ Beyonce ((just cuz it was on the TV in O’Neill’s today))]

Today has been awesome! I woke up this morning at 8 to get ready for class at 9. The class went pretty smoothly, didn’t start too much, but all 8 of the girls were falling asleep… oh well. We were supposed to go to the British Museum today but that got postponed until tomorrow. I’m ok with that. Professor Johnston did assign reading and a few writings due tomorrow, but it’s nothing too harsh.
After class we came back to the rooms for like 5 minutes then 6 of us headed out for the afternoon! We walked around, tried to eat at The Rocket but we don’t know what was going on there, then finally wound up just eating at O’Neill’s. Brittany and I had our first legal under-21 alcoholic beverage! It was good times. We are so not used to European tipping styles at restaurants so we leave such a huge tip for these people. Oh well, if they’re cool servers, then we’ll be nice.
After lunch we walked around and found this little public square area where they had foosball tables and a huge version of jenga and a huge version of connect four just out in the open! It was sick! we started playing then got distracted by a sign that said “mall” and went in search of a mall… but I guess the British have a different definition of mall because we just did not see one ANYWHERE! There were a few shops & a sick gym, but that was it! Sorry Brits, but that does not constitute a mall!
We then walked through Regent’s Park and had so much fun just walking around and such. I had a pretty good milkshake, then Brittany and I almost got killed by a psychotic killer bird and then some older British man comes up behind us and is all like “it’s just a pigeon you know.” I was ready to say “dude, I’m from New York! I know what a pigeon is!” It was good times.
There is a sick fountain in the middle of the park that we played with for a few minutes like we had never seen a fountain before. It was intense. We then kept walking, found the London Zoo and realized that was too expensive, and then started walking back. Since I was in pain cuz my shoes cut into the back of my heel and Amanda had shinsplints like whoa, we decided to take a taxi back. It was so spacious and inexpensive that I was amazed!
Amanda, Stefanie and I then went out looking for ice to ease our pains, plus a few more groceries. Let’s just get it out in the open that there is no place in this freaking city that sells plastic bowls, plates, forks or spoons! We had to steal sporks & clear plastic container things from a salad line! It was awful. But we did get some nifty ice bags! It’s a plastic bag that you fill up with water, put in the freezer, then when it freezes you take the bag out and shake the ice-cubes free of the bag! How sick is that?!
Went out to dinner with Betsy ((pizza express again)) then went back to the room, ate, chilled and laughed a lot... then we got to cracking on our Billy Shakes homework. That went late into the night, but it's all good. I'm happy.

hugs & kisses from London!

Day 1

Location: Campbell House, UCL in London, UK

[my music: London Bridge (oh snap!) ~ Fergie]

So after American Airlines flight 104 with nonstop service from JFK airport in New York to Heathrow airport in London was delayed about an hour, the 8 girls and Professor Mark Johnston ((who said he felt like the coach of a girls gymnastics team)) got on to the plane to begin a 5 ½ hour flight. The plane ride itself was fun, Brittany and I were excited to watch Rumor Has It, but it turned out to be Take the Lead, which we were still willing to watch. It was a cute movie, not too much substance… predictable to say the least. Before and after the movie we joked about all of the partying we were going to do and what not. It was fun. Natalie and Stefanie sat together across the isle from the Professor, Nicole, Alex, Brittany and myself, and we were across the isle then from Amanda and Betsy.
After our arrival and piling into 2 vans, we began our journey to central London. This is where we realized that the signs, drivers and just the roadways themselves are crazy over here! I seriously do not want to hear people ever complain about New York drivers ever again! I am not afraid to cross the street in the city, but here I am legit scared out of my mind that some granny or psychotic old man is going to blow me over with their ridiculously ugly “smart-car!” Amanda joked about getting run over and how the last words that she’ll mutter as she lay dying on a foreign roadway will be “fuck you” both to the driver of the car and to the girl that constantly yelled or gave severe attitude when Amanda was about the cross the street. It was funny.
There are a few obvious divisions in this group already, but whatevs. I’m enjoying my time here right now so I really don’t care!
For dinner it was just me, Betsy, Amanda and Brittany. We went to Pizza Express where the girls spent 5 pounds or 10 dollars on a freaking personal pizza! I had a 10 dollar dish of mushroom ravioli… it was delicious! Afterwards we walked for a bit then Brittany and I scoured the town looking for a pay phone to accept American calling cards. We failed miserably! Then we looked for internet cafés so that way we can email friends and family since we can’t call them! That didn’t work either… but it’s all good cuz we found a few cool statues, a few Indian restaurants (too bad neither of us like Indian food), and got around really well without a map! We had fun.
Back at the room I chilled for a bit then passed the hell out. it’s pretty nice sleeping for 11 hours… too bad my bed is uber-soft and I woke up with the worst back aches ever! DAMN YOU BRITISH BEDS!!

hugs & kisses from London!

It's romantic, it's mysterious...

[my music: Will you be around? ~ Platinumweird]

She sat there exhausted with the smell of nail polish fresh in the air. Thinking back on the events that have made this summer what it is, she found herself with a smile on her face. For so long she lived with this chip on her shoulder because of last summer; it was filled with love no doubt, but at the same time so blaringly and annoyingly uneventful. The summer of 2006 has been filled with enough friendship, parties, gossiping, and flirting to put many other summers to shame. Freedom new to this summer has brought about many chances for her to reconnect with countless amounts of people that she had left behind. The last 2 weekends were among the most exciting for her. Not only did she get to hang out and party with her fave local cousin, but she got to pick up a friendship that had seemed to end so long ago with her friendly giant Chad. She always thought that he was a sweetheart despite being seemingly forgetfull of him for the 6 years. Now they are friends again, hanging out and partying like we had only gone a few months without seeing each other. She at first was a little unhappy about him having a girlfriend, but as time passed and she got to know the girl, she and the girl wound up having the best time together. Not to mention she absolutly loved running into a guy that she used to be close with who used to like her and who also apparently grew up to be gorgeous. She and he started talking after their surprising reuinion and she'll just have to wait and see where that goes. Hopefully somewhere, but if it doesn't then she's def okay with it.
She is feeling satisfied with her time spent at parties, time spent chilling, time spent sleeping and time soon to be spent in London. The one thing that weighs heavy on her heart at times is the occasional encounter with a certain older female at Ramaquois. She was not expecting it to bother her, but this encounter breaks her heart every single time because she had tried so hard to get on this woman's good side for the simple fact that she wanted to be accepted by her, but she never made it completely. It took the ending of something so beautiful and perfect at the time to make this woman actually be nice to her. She wondered why, but could come up with nothing more than lame excuses. It's a sad thing, and deep down inside she wants to just go up to that woman and hug her and to be told that it's ok. But she knows that it could never happen.
Oh well... good friends and awesome times keep me happy enough.

Wherever you go, there you are

[my music: Gnarls Barkley ~ Crazy]

This summer has brought about many realizations. A huge one for me was where I have come from and where I intend on going in life. Growing up in New City, I thought life was simple awful, as it poses the same three activities to people under the age of 21; bowling, eating, and watching movies. But once this idea was repeated over and over in my head, i began to realize that what more is there to do after the age of 21. It is but the same 3 activities with the addition of 1 or 2 more possiblities; now not only can you eat, bowl or watch movies, you may now also go to a bar or lounge. Rockland offers quite a decent amount of bars and lounges to the 21+ residents, but in addition, the City is but 30-45 minutes away so many more opportunities lie there. The point is though, that not much will change after 21 years of life is reached. And this is the same for everywhere around the globe; how many activities are offered in New York City or Louisville Kentucky? There may be a few more activites in the City, and different types of activities in Louisville, but to the children and residents living in those parts of the country it all becomes routine and habit just as eating, bowling, and watching movies has become a routine and habit to the residents of Rockland County. New City, in my mind isn't that shabby of a place to live. It's decently wealthy, it's safe, and I did enjoy growing up here. I don't know if I want to bring my children up here, but I know that i no longer want to live in the City as a family woman. I have decided that I would much rather prefer living in New England. Whether it is in Connecticut or Massachusetts, I know that i would prefer living there. I love Amherst Massachusetts for some reason; I love Boston. I don't know. But no matter what I'll always remain a New York girl at heart.

I can't write anymore tonight, my eyes hurt.

The heartless are a most intriguing creature

Why were all of her decisions poorly made? She doesn't know. She layed there on a bed of aubergine silk pondering all that she had said, felt and done; she then realized how she had been like all of those other giddy girls who wore their heart on their sleeve before her. The very same girls whom she had ridiculed time after time in her mind. For so long she thought that she would be the in the dark without the comfort of a loving hand forever; so at the first sign of it, she latched on hoping for the happiness that she had felt what seemed like an years earlier. This hand though, wasn't ready to be held on to. so she fell... once she picked herself up, she had seen yet again that she had nothing to give this hand from the very beginning, so why feel as though wrong was done against her when she had no heart to give. No heart to be broken. He had done no wrong, and she does not want him to think any thoughts that may tell him otherwise, she was just too quick to care; too quick for her own good.

wow

[my music: Acceptance ~ Different]


this could be different
this could be all i'm waiting for

All Smiles....

[my music: Panic! At the Disco ~ London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines]

OK... tonight was successful despite NOT SEEING THE OMEN ON THE CREEPIEST DATE OF THE MILLENIUM...
so i didn't pay a cent at all for bowling or dunkin' donuts... mucho gracias to Leor, Alec & Garrett!! bowling was a success... 133 first game and a 120 the second... not amazing, but it made me happy. Saw Brian Donaldson tonight for the first time since freshman year of high school... interesting.
This weekend is gonna be amazing... camp orientation on saturday morning ((and i dont have to drive myself... i know... i'm a brat!))!!! i'm stoked for camp this year! Then spending the rest of the day with jess & patrick is going to be awesome!! qu sleepovers are my absolute fave! Then seeing Stini & god knows who else will be AMAZING!!!!!!!!! and to top all that QU love off with a little CHSS love, a certain someone is supposed to be back in town :D I love summer!


i'm all smiles tonight... now i'm gonna go read some shakespeare in preparation for LONDON!!! goodnight moon!

50 Ridiculous Questions

[my music: Phish ~ Waste]

1. Where were you 1 hour ago?
A friend's house in Congers

2. Who will be your next kiss?
i don't know!!! that's the beauty of being single

3. What is the largest amount of money you've spent in a store?
hmm... tough one. I've dropped well over 200 a few times on clothes/electronics/jewelry

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
are ya kidding? This is me we're talking about... of course there's something pink within 10 feet of me

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
Saturday... for dinner & a movie

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
negative

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
out of new city: tonight... out of rockland: Friday

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
yep... just saw The Break-Up on Saturday

10. What was the last thing you had to drink?
organge juice

12. What are you wearing right now?
Victoria's Secret pj set of hot pink pants & a tank

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
car wash... duh

14. Last fast food you ate?
a double layer yellow cake with vanilla frosting... yummy

15. Where were you last week at this time?
this time? prob here in my room... either that or i was.... somwhere else

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
unfortunately no :(

17. When is the last time you ran?
umm... does running across a parking lot to Dunkin' Donuts cuz it was raining count?


18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Yankee/Red Sox today... duh!

19. What is your favorite class?
this past semester... def either media production cuz i got to make a kick ass music video, or media communications cuz the prof was amazing & my love was in that class

20. Your dream vacation?
Turks & Caicos with a boyfriend/husband

21. Last persons house you were in?
beside's my parents... steve's

22. How old are your parents?
hmmm... mid 50's

23. Are you in love?
NO

24. Do u miss anyone?
of course...

25. Last play you saw?
QU's production of Dead Man Walking in New Haven

27. What are your plans for tonight?
sleep?

28. Who is the last person you sent a message to on myspace?
i dont have a myspace... they're creepy

30. Ever go to camp?
Never as a camper... but def as a counselor

31. Were you ever an honor roll student in school?
duh!

32. What do you want to know about the future?
nothing right now... i like not knowing what tomorrow brings...

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Fuji Flower by Stacked Style from Sephora

34. Are you hungry?
kinda

35. Where is your best friend located?
my best friendS are in Pennsylvania, New York, Connecticut, Maine, New Hampsha & jersey

36. Who is your best friend?
jess, mich, stini, cass, em, court, tara

37. Do you have a tan?
kinda

38. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
late 20's early 30's

39. Do you collect anything?
i used to collect precious moments figures, freaking stupidly expensive glass decorative perfume bottles... but now i've graduated to jewelry :D

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
i've never been stopped or pulled over

42. Have you ever drunk your soda from a straw?
...what kind of question is that? yes i have.

43. How do you like your drinks?
what kind of drinks? regular or adult beverages? SPECIFICS PEOPLE! SPECIFICS!

44. Do you like hot sauce?
sometimes... on lo mein, hells yea

45. Last time you took a shower?
this afternoon

46. Do you need to do laundry?
yes and no... yes cuz i went through a lot of my fave things to wear, but i still have enough clothes to go through the rest of the summer without repeating a damn outfit

47. What is your heritage?
Chinese & Puerto Rican

48. Are you someones best friend?
i'd like to think so

49. Are you rich?
i'm comfortable

50. What do you think of the person who took this survey before?
He's kinda hot... not gonna lie! :P

The tides change...

[my music: Rent Soundtrack]

It's raining again. I used to like the rain, but it rains differently here. So many things are different here. It's so strange to come back to the place that I know better than anywhere else on the planet and feel like a stranger all of a sudden. The last year has changed my life in more ways that i guess I realized when it was happening. I loved every second of it, but now that i'm home it's so different. For the longest time I wanted a relationship... i longed for that feeling of belonging again... but now I just can't. Maybe it's because it's just not the right person, or maybe I really am not a relationship kind of person anymore. That "right person" comment was not supposed to put anyone down or push them away, it's just how i feel. I can't handle being asked where I am and what I'm doing, i just cannot have anyone who is going to be keeping tabs on me. Not right now anyway. That will change, maybe in a month, maybe a week, maybe far far down the line. For this moment, I'm only 20, so let me go....

A hilarious chapter from an otherwise depressing book...

By Cindy Chupack

"...Instead, we're dating men we genuinely thought could be The One, and when they turn out to be just the twenty-fifth, it's understandably depressing and annoying. To make matters worse, everybody has advice to dole as you cry over your chicken Caesar salad: 'These things take time. This is a loss. You're mourning the loss of the life you thought you'd have. You should go back to therapy or to that yoga class where they turn up the heat and people either feel amazing or pass out.'
Well, I have advice also. I say sleep with someone else. Sexual sorbet cleanses the palate and prepares you for your next course. After all, you don't want your ex to be the last guy you slept with. You need to put some distance between the two of you, and five to seven inches ought to do it.
Now bear in mind I'm not talking about a rebound relationship,. You're not ready for a relationship. This is strictly sex, and that fact should be communicated clearly to your choice or sorbet."


interesting advice.
but can girls ever really just have sex??

Titanium is heavier than I thought...

[my music: Finch ~ What it is to Burn]

I seriously had the best year ever. The year ended off real well with lots of smiles, a few tears, and yes... even some anger and frustration. But that's life. Life at Quinnipiac was beautiful this year. I made so many friends that I firmly intend on keeping in my life forever. Like I could def see myself walking down the isle in a few years and having all of my suitemates waiting up there as my bridesmaids. That would be the ideal. I love these girls like whoa and i def wanna keep them around in the future cuz i want my kids to know exactly why i am the way that i am... living with those 7 girls throughout college fucked with my head alittle... haha... just kidding girls, damn. Oh boy... well now i'm home and missing my girlies soooo badly. I miss the nonstop talking and giggling.

but now i'm home... with my loves. I went to see my goldie pie the other day. that was awesome, chillin', DRIVING, gambling, eating, watching tv & sleeping. that is what my trip consisted of... oh and really bad beer pong skills... right. I got to see garrett too... helped him move out of his ultra sweet suite... i swear, his suite was the shit. I can't wait for my trip up to connecticut next week to see the lover & roomie... then hopefully getting out to the island to see stini & the LI boys... holla! I can't wait for camp.... i love kids... i just don't want to have any of my own with in the next at least 9 or 10 years. oh and that reminds me... i need a boyfriend. damn. i wish they were something like eggs or milk that when you need it you just go pick it up... and it's yours. damn. oh well.


so i started wearing this ring on a chain.
it's heavier than i thought.

Timing is Everything

[my music: Hoobastank ~ The Reason]

You once told me that i was your reason.
What happened?
Summer is almost here. It makes me nervous.
I didn't miss you for a long time, but that changed tonight.
you were always it for me. that's the honest truth.
I wish just for one more day you can hold me.
And tell me that i'm it.

oh well.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all to well...

[my music: The Ataris ~ So Long Astoria]

Yet another May Weekend has come to an end. But I think everyone will look back at those 48 hours and smile. I don't even know what to say about it. This weekend was fun, it was messy, it was sloppy, it was hilarious. Playing beer pong at 3:30 in the afternoon, getting matching key chains and air brush tatooes, the bikini dance party, playing tourrette's, wiffle ball, the Guinness hat, and everything else made this the best weekend ever. It also made it so much harder to accept that we are leaving eachother in at most 12 days. :( It's so sad. But who wants to think about such things right now... not me. I love life right now... well maybe not RIGHT NOW considering how physically sick i feel... but you know what i mean. It's all good.

Pre MAY WEEKEND

[my music: Eve 6 ~ Here's to the night]

Here we are again... at the brink of what may either be glory or disaster. I'm going to do my best to make sure it's all glory. May weekend, what a beautifully messy holiday we have here at Quinnipiac! And i'm in love with my friends and the time's we've had this year. My girls in 120, the guys in 130 and 280... even the guys in 170 and Mountainview and EVERYWHERE ELSE have made this year seriously the best year of my life despite some times of pain and tears. To everyone that has been there for me and I for them... I love you dearly. each and every last one. So this weekend we will raise our glass and to the times we've laughed, the time's we cried, and the times we just can't remember for the lives of us! Thank you everyone!

and a little side note: really funny away message that i read today:Today we salute you, Mr.Quinnipiac Security Officer. While most people are out trying to have fun in college, you're waiting in your newly purchased SUV, stalking them down. Nothing excites you more than breaking up a Village frat party while giving your best impression of CIA agent Jack Bauer. Sure their tuition pays your salary, but you don't waiver. When people park too long in one spot or drive down dorm road, you're terribly vexed, and right there to ticket them. You'll never let a student vehicle park in an unauthorized zone, but you'll drive your BRAND NEW Jeep Cherokee on their sidewalks like speed racer. You are the campus god. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, elderly enforcer, and don't wander too far from your post because you may miss the next opportunity to act like a police officer!

So close I can almost taste it...

[my music: Dashboard Confessional ~ As Lovers Go]

The warm breeze. The green grass. The unrelenting sun. This all is such a tease. I can't wait for the laughing children. The golf carts speeding by. Lifeguards' sounding their whistles. The splashing of water by the pools and on the lake. The wizzing of the zip-line. I need the smell of summer, I need it's noises in my ears. I am so excited for this summer. It's going to be a lot of work between Brighton Jewelers & Ramaquois Day Camp, but I can not wait to soak up every last second of it. I won't lie, I was a little apprehensive about returning to Ramaquois being that so much has changed and I hate the idea of having to explain to EVERYONE about each of the changes! damn. But i've put all of those fears and doubts behind me and I'm excited to go in as something other than "andy's girlfriend." I am going to create an image of Samantha Chan that the people in Ramaquois will wonder how they ever called her by anything else. I am me. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Rain, Traffic, Tears, and other things that made my weekend worth while

[my music: Mozart ~ Minuet]

There is just something about the rain these days that makes me smile.
Through every second, he stayed as fresh in my mind as the time I saw him last.
So Friday I went up to New Haven with mi madre y mi hermana to see the school's production of Dead Man Walking. Upon first entering the theatre, I was mildly confused by the stage set up and seating arrangements; the audience in this set up was on both sides of the theatre with the stage in the middle... first time I had ever seen a a thatre set up like this. At the same time that I was entering the theatre and taking notice of my surroundings, i had a preconceived notion as to what i was going to see in the performance. I thought it was going to be about this man on death row who comes into contact with a nun who had never previously dealt with the situations and emotions that she would have to deal with because of this man. I had never once even thought that it was going to deal with almost every point of view possible that may exist on the topic of the death penalty. Needless to say many of the things mentioned hit close to home and upset me greatly during and right after the performance. I thought that Casey Manning as Matthew Poncelot was incredible. He had the accent down (which not everyone in the production did), but more importantly he came off cold and unremorseful when he needed to, making the audience feel detached from and unemotional toward him. Then he came off as broken down, emotional and torn by inner conflict when he needed to, then making the crowd feel sorry for him and in the end almost mourning his death. Shelara Pullen played the role of Sister Helen Prejean in a truthful, believable and emotional way that surprised me. She was real, she was honest in her attempts to make things right, and the way which she handled a convicted murderer as a child of God. Shelara is a very intelligent strong woman outside of the theatre, as I had the honor of meeting her last semester in my British literature class, and it truely showed as she played this role true to the real Sister Helen Prejean. The overall performance was impressive and deeply touching. And it was nice that at the end of the performance when my sister and I had to excuse ourselves before the group discussion, my friend whom i had gone to see the play for, came over and asked me if I was ok and stuff, and just gave me a really comforting hug which meant a lot to me. The group discussion was good, made me wonder though because people are so quick to judge a situation and think that they know concretely how they feel about a certain topic, in this case the death penalty. But what happens when you life is suddenly hurled into a situation where the death penalty could have possibly played a huge role. What if a loved one were murdered and the murderer was on trial, would you still be as against the death penalty as when you were in college and violent death was not a part of the reasonably perfect world you found yourself engulfed in? There is no way to answer that. I personally feel that no one can accurately judge any situation until they themselves walked on their own boney feet into that situation. At the end of the night, I found myself most content. The play was for a lack of original words... incredible. Everyone in the play did a superb job. And I have an amazing friend whom I had so much fun watching in it, and I was so glad that I had finally been able to get there to see it. What's the number one song? What song is popular? I had no choice but to crack a small smile at that line... oh man.

Because I'm tired now, you guys have no choice but to receive the concise version of my weekend. Sisterly bonding was in the air Saturday... waking up to phone calls from sisters great distances away (actually about an hour away for each of them), receiving orders to tell mom to call dad and get a pork or just finding out the plans for getting up to Brewster that night. There was a little bit of heart ache around lunchtime which nearly destroyed my weekend... damn heart, i wish you were stone. Shopping brought no comfort... I tried. A long drive though on the scenic route across to Putnam County calmed my nerves greatly. Friendly faces, loud laughs, good food, and the always entertaining activity of baking made the rest of the night enjoyable. Today... Happy Easter... brought about stuff that I don't even know how or why I happened... so maybe it is better off left unsaid. For now... goodnight.


ps-while in the city on friday... we saw the guy from What Not to Wear on TLC... holla what

Blurring & Sturring the truth and the lies

[my music: Dem Franchize Boyz ~ Lean With it Rock With it]

I'm too excited to sleep.
I thought tonight was going to blow, but i laughed a hell of a lot more than i expected. I'm stoked for tomorrow!!! No go on the gym :P wutevs! Lunch with the bleep bleep & maybe the mcgown-nugget, Bleep Bleep outings, Girlfriend adventures, one stupid class, a Mother-daughter outing with the roomie to see Dead Man Walking and finally returning to New York make tomorrow to be quite the fun-filled day!!!

I thought i was going 0-2 tonight...but luckily things took a turn for the better! holla what! I am so happy at this moment!

Poetic Break: T.S. Eliot

From "The Wasteland" Part 1. The Burial of the Dead.

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with the spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten.

Later in the same portion of the poem Eliot goes on to write:

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock)
And I will show you something different from either
Your Shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Frisch weht der Wind
Der Heimat zu
Mein Irisch Kind
Wo weilest du?

Eliot was rightfully so the poetic leader of his time.

What beautiful hope you have

[my music: James Blunt ~ High]

In one's lifetime, an individual may search for one solitary thing, person or idea to live for. As yet another school year comes to an untimely end, I begin to wonder why anyone in the world would live for anything but their friends and the memories that have been created over the days, the weeks, the months, and even the years. I live for the nights, the days, the times that I'll remember, and those others that I don't ((that's a joke ;P)). My life has become Quinnipiac. My life has become my friends. My life has become me.
Heartache in september gave me a reason to have a bleak outlook. We laughed about bananas, and how sneezes are remarkably like orgasms. Crying in September became commonplace with the loss of fellow students. Bonds between 120 and 130 were created and set in stone early, and we were all ok with that. Midnight Madness and Halloween gave us unbelievable chances to party, and party we did. Halloween also brought about new friends, friends we never thought we'd get this close to. Meeting new people became my life through first semester between all the people here, and New City Condos with Nikki. Fights and bitterness tried to rain on the parade of otherwise happy people. Nicknames brought on special bonds between suities, bonds that i doubt any of us will ever forget. Winter brought ice and snow. Walks in the ice brought about unexpected feelings, snow brought about unexpected bonding. Between blacklight parties and club outings, we found a poorman's love. Second semester brought on something that may be more... may not be. Confusion, desparation, and willingness to settle clouded the vision of those in search for something bigger, but now the oh-so-heavy clouds seem to have parted. I think I may have fallen in love... I didn't think I could, I didn't think I would, but I think that I might have. Hearts can change. My can too. College life is more complicated than most imagine. We're messy, we're spontaneous, we're lazy, we're fun, we're beautiful, we're disasters.

Hope is a good thing. Perhaps the best of things. --Shawshank Redemption

It takes a little rain to make it grow...

[my music: Brand New ~ The Quiet Things That no one Ever Knows]

wow... what am i thinking lately? People tend to overcommit themselves to an idea before every actually thinking the situation through. Well I did just that. I always have. It seemed like an okay idea to get attached to... at the time. But what if that was the one thing that I was destined to lose before ever having? Could I see that if that were the case? Did I already? Maybe. Arg...

well today has been a good day thus far. The whole weekend has been to a certain extent. Somethings dont always work out the way that you wanted it to, or i should say expected it to. People show up when you want them to, but someone else may show up just moments later and make it seem like a least desireable situation. It is in these situations though that the unexpected gets revealed. Interesting. Times and situations got interesting Friday night when lame girls decided to make lame comments because I got it and they don't! And other sluts tried to hate on jess & I, but it was completely uncalled for. Whatevs. We had a fun time... The trip back to Quinny was... interesting for a lack of better terms. Upon arrival, a certain someone either didn't have their phone on, or didn't have service... which i thought was junk. It annoyed me. Not gonna lie. But it's all good cuz back at the room a visitor brought greatly appreciated laughs & convo. That translates to me getting 5 hours of sleep last night... damn! Today filming was fun... the video itself seemes good... shooting the BRoll was great. Who would have ever thought that being outside in the freezing rain shooting puddles, trees, the stream & patrick walking across the quad 500 times in the rain and ending with a funny face or "funny" comment about me, could be so much fun? I sure as hell didn't think it could be... but it was. and that's all that matters.

I long for summer... but I dont want this year to end...
much love i have for the people that i've shared my life with this year. I honestly do not know what my sophomore year would have been like without them... probably boring though.

a long time is a short time...

[my music: Gavin Degraw ~ Chariot]

Holy Random Encounter. I was in the women's bathroom in Tator Hall today, ya know washing my hands & minding my own business. Suddenly this tall girl says my name. I turn around and much to my shock who is it that is speaking to me? Kate. That's right. My roommate from first semester last year in Irma. Wow. Well we started talking, and she looks so different, but she's still the way that I had originally met her. It really made me miss her. We used to have so much fun together before Jenna moved out. There were so many jokes we had, so many late night talks, so many random things that we did and had so much fun doing them. It seems like first semester freshman year was so long ago, but talking to her today made me feel like it was yesterday.

Cassie, the wonder charm!!!

[my music: Finch ~ Awake]

So once again, I, along with Tara, Stini, Em, Jess, Court & our new random roomie can thank Cassie for being so damn lucky. Last year we beat the chances of getting a suite in Larson, Perlroth or Troup; and now this year we didn't really beat the chances of getting a rooming lottery number, but we sure as hell kicked ass in getting a sweet sweet number. Lucky number 7. That's right... out of the 78 groups that tried for 74 numbers, we got number freaking 7!!! Which actually translates to us getting whatever housing we want for next year. Holla what for a first floor Hill suite!!! YAY FOR PATIOS!!!!!! Unfortunately I'm not rooming with Stini :( but I do get to room with my lovely lovely Jess :D !!! We're stoked for that! We get air conditioning, a kitchen, a patio with grills & picnic tables just beyond them, we get sweet sweet barndoor style bathroom stall doors... ok. i guess that last one isn't so sweet. Whatevs, i get to stick with my loves & a pretty decent living arrangement.

Anywho... yeah, I had a good day... i have a test tomorrow that I didn't thoroughly study for, and i know that one of my loves didn't study at all cuz he didn't ask me for my book... right. Anywho, time for roomie bonding and then bed. I'M GONNA MISS YOU NEXT YEAR MICH!!!!

Confessions of a Scatter-brained Teenager

[my music: DMB ~ Ants Marching]

So, April is upon us again. My birthday is in less than a month... no more scatter-brained teenager after that!!!!! just a scatter-brained twenty-something!!! Oh well. These have been a good 7 years. Filled with love, loss, happiness, sadness. Well balanced. My birthday was supposed to be fun... we'll see now. May Weekend will never be the same here... the really wreckless ones (not like me and my friends who are elegantly wreckless) have destroyed the "holiday" here. The slobs, the drunkards (me and my friends are clearly not 0:D), have made the school worried and the town of Hamden hate us. Great.... Anywho... whatevs, we're still going to try to have a good time no matter what happens with the public behavior policies.

[my music: Reel Big Fish ~ Everything is cool]
Sooooo i heard that Carlos Mancia is coming to perform this may weekend here!!! I'm stoked. He's obnoxious and def politically incorrect, but he's HILARIOUS!!! Anywho... I have to go shopping. but i have no money, so that poses un slight problemo.... Oh well. I am psyched to work at Brighton this summer. Def gonna make some good mula plus I'm def gonna get some sweet sweet jewelry. Yeah I'm going to die every friday night after the camp week ends, but it's all good... i'll have enough money to actually enjoy London. Yet another thing that I am completely stoked for.... and on that note..

[my music: Something Corporate ~ Ruthless]
London is going to be amazing. I'm traveling across the Atlantic to a place of magic, mystery, literature and history. I can't wait to walk down the streets and just imagine the people that have walked down that street before me, the crimes that have been committed on that street, the kisses shared, the hearts broken, the masterpieces written, and the minds lost. No homework (besides reading, which i'll prob do before we leave), no tests, no quizzes. Just one essay (roughtly 10-15 pages) and a comprehensive journal of classnotes, daily journal entries, and notes on class trips and such. Not bad if you ask me. ps- Def gonna find myself a blazzzzzzzing English man!!!

[my music: Hot Hot Heat ~ Elevator]
I love quinnipiac in the spring. It is gorgeous here in the morning when the sun is just rising. The sunlight is just waking the trees up, waking the grass and the mountain. Walking back from my lab this morning, I fell in love with my school all over again. This is why I go to this school. yeah some people may bitch about this place, but I'd like to see you enjoy another place more than this one. The grass is always greener on the other side... but I'm content with the greenery over here. I don't need to wander in search of better things, when I find that what is here is perfect for me, for now.

ok... well i need to do some work for a class thats in 3 hours...
the world is looking ravishing today...

Let me see ya drip sweat...

[my music: Beenie Man ~ King of the Dancehall]

WICKED GOOD WEEKEND!!!
so after the laundry thing on wednesday my week and eventually the weekend just kept getting better and better. Thursday itself was rushed... a lot of work & junk but i decided to join the rest of the QU population and head to the 18+ party at Oracle. It was ridiculously packed so we went across to Alchemy which was ok. It was crowded & hot, but we still laughed and danced. Things got complicated after we left when we heard that Oracle was then free. Turned out Oracle wasn't free... and some of us didn't have any more money to get in there... but the others didn't get stamped to go back into Alchemy. Ridonculoussity at its finest. yes. i said ridonculousity. Anywho... the ride back home was interesting to say the least. I got to talk to TJ and get to know him a little better. All i have to say about that kid is sweet sweet tatoo. Nah... just playing, he's a nice kid. funny & cute. Well that was fun... Friday night was sick like i said in the last post. I had fun... so did most of the people around me. Em & I "kept up" with each other even when we weren't actually together. That was amusing. Saturday turned out to be the funniest night of my entire life. It was completely not the typical fun night of a college kid, but it was especially to 4 girls who just laughed about everything under the sun. It was also a good night cuz i got to see steph & Matty. I haven't seen steph in over a year and it was just good to see her again. I missed her, not gonna lie. weird. i know. but she is still a funny def one of a kind girl. But back to 4 crazy girls. it was 5 at the beginning of the night, which was equally hilarious, but by the end of the night there were 4 girls lying out on the grassy knoll that i am infatuated with. We played kings. We laughed at the word spatula. We never thought "whale" could be so damn funny. We played shadow tag. We played frisbee. I got kicked in the head. We layed outside until after 3 am and just laughed about everything. It was awesome. I love the weather these days. Today we went outside also and just layed around while there was a double header baseball game going on between us bobcats & Mount St. Mary's.

Life is beautiful.

My Name is Trouble...

[my music: Finch ~ Casket of a Roderic Usher]

Living the life of a young and wreckless college student has never tasted to sweet, smelled so delicious, or felt so good. First of all let's get it out in the open that Aretha Franklin is AWESOME! I got a huge ego boost last night at a party, which is always good. it was fun... stopped by a dorm party that had its own bouncer... could barely move or breathe, and some dumb girl spilled her jungle juice on my real expensive bag ::never a good thing >:O:: and had the most amazing tasting easy mac ever!! Before last night though I had a real good few days! wednesday hung around and had a real good time with the girls. Always fun, especially when fruit is brought out!! Then i got to see the 280 boys & Naughty cuz he's living with them next year... weird how that whole thing came about. but it's all good. Doing laundry at 2 am with patrick was the shizzz. I was laughing harder than I have in a real long time. Between the jokes, the voices, the irish jig, and the real skinny legs (which he ridiculously denies :P), it was one of the best laundry experiences ever!!!

but i have to run... cuz i'm going to go be young & impulsive a little more before i finish this update!!!

straight jacket feeling

[my music: Yellowcard ~ cigarette]

i dont know.
i'm sad. i feel ugly. i want to sleep.
i want to belong to someone again.
i know that sounds bad... but it's true.
i want to hold someone's hand. I want to really care about someone.
i want to be loved.

try this on straight jacket feeling
so maybe i won't be alone...

Really cute, yet completely unconventional

[my music: Head Automatica ~ Egyptian Musk]

We still have our Valentine's Day themed door decorations up. We're lazy. Our palm tree has become the defining point in our suite, in our sophomore year. We're hawaiian. There are black lights tacked into our walls. We're crazy. There are dust bunnies living under our futons. We're real. There are dozens of pictures of us, documenting the school year's parties, randomness & visits during break. We're in love.

I am feeling so random right now. I know that I should be doing work, but I am too scatter-brained right now. During lunch, Jess & Dany pointed out the fact that I am a picky person. Is that really a bad thing though? I refuse to eat certain things. yes, that is true. I dont like the texture of oatmeal, jello or slim jims. I don't like the taste of chocolate covered pretzels or chocolate and peanut butter together. I can't eat seafood. I like to think that I'm adventurous and willing to try things at least once. I thought that I wouldn't like seaweed salads, but I actually do enjoy them a great deal. So HA! A lot of people would prob never expect me to like something like that, but I do. I am really fickle though. I could like something one second and can't get enough of it, and then the next I can live without it and act like it never was there and that I was addicted to it at all. I've never really been attached to any one thing for too long in my life. I never had that one blanket that i grew up with that i couldn't live without, I never had that stuffed animal. Each of my sisters did. Marisa had her little apple rattle thing, Andrea had foo-foo, and Krissy had her bunny & the blankey. I never had anything. I think that says something about me. I am a fickle fickle person that holds on to things only for a short amount of time, and I suck had keeping things with me forever. I lost my best friend, and prob won't get him back. But crushes even I suck had staying crushed on a guy for an extended amount of time. I can live without MOST guys... there are a select few that i really really want in my life years from now. And I'm selfish. I expect to move on from guys, but them never moving on from me. I need to change that. Another thing that I'm going to change is the way that I look. I'm going to redefine my self by summer, and hopefully look and feel completely different and so much better. Sounds like a plan, and I'm sticking to it.

I have the best friends any girl could ever ask for. And they make me happy, but I need to make myself happy...

Time can't heal everything...

[my music: Bette Midler ~ One True Friend]

This one is for you Ryan...
14 years is a long time. We have shared so much... too much to ever forget. All those years in Little Tor... Mr. Rutter's class is where we met. He called you Cookie Monster, and for some reason I always associated the Monster Mash song with you. Tara had a crush on you and hated that I was so close with you... we had a playdate just about every other day. There was nothing quite like playing basketball, baseball, "volleyball" or any other game we could come up with on your basketball court on the side of your house, or air hockey in the den, or sonic the hedgehog in your basement. Whenever you would attack me or we would be wrestling over something, remember how boomer always attacked you and never me. Remember sitting on the stairs playing fetch with him. I loved boomer. You probably don't remember this, but we had that joke with you making this hand-gesture where you were kinda doing a wave with your pointer finger and used to say "larggy loogy" in a funny voice. i don't remember how it started or what it meant, but that was so funny to me. Your dad also started a joke that stayed with us. Remember the "Fire Hydrant"? Prob not... but I'll just give you a 1 word hint... Hallie. I remember being so upset when we "graduated" from elementary school cuz i was convinced that middle school was not going to be the same for us. It wasn't, but you still were my favorite. I still remember how fascinated by your house I was when you moved over to Lisa Lane. I called your house the donut house. That was the coolest house i had ever seen, but the fact that one wall of your bedroom was entirely glass kinda scared me. that's where you guys got Bailey. I still remember playing with your laser pointer for hours with that dog chasing it all over the place. He was the cutest furball just about EVER! Do you remember when you asked me to the Valentine's Day Dance at Street School in 5th grade? I was so scared, and nervous. You were my first date ever! You showed up with a box of chocolates & a teddy bear that was holding a balloon that said "I love you". I still have the bear at home. I'll never forget the day that you left new city. I lost a huge part of my life that day. And I never fully got it back. I miss you Ryry... you'll always be special to me, and I love you dearly.


You left me with the one wound that time can never heal. Boys may come and go, but you were never just a boy to me.

Road Trip Recap

[my music: Panic! At The Disco ~ The Only Difference Between Martyrdom & Suicide is Press Coverage]

Some people love to travel. They travel by plane, train or car. Of all of the modes of transportation possible, I find that the car is the most fun and allows the most intimate contact between fellow travelers.

7 hours into Wednesday, March 15, 2006, Jess began the adventure in Connecticut, stopping in New York where she picked up me, along with a bagel for each of us, chocolate dipped cookies, a brownie, munchkinds, 2 coffee-coolatas, and a gatorade. Stocked up on food, 2 crazy, fun-loving college girls set out on the road. During the 5 1/2 hours in the car (driving & stopping) we laughed as we asked each other "would you rather" questions, flirted with cute guys in pick-up trucks, pondered "If..." questions, spoke of good times, spoke of bad times, and spoke of love that has long since been buried beneath what seems like miles of new experiences and new people. Jess drove the first 2 half, I drove the last half.

James Madison university is gorgeous. Too bad I almost ran over some kid on his bike as soon as I got onto campus... damn kid then laughed when jess and i freaked out after HE decided to ride into the middle of the road when it was my light. Chilling around campus and the the town of Harrisonburg was soooo much fun. The pedicure & massage was a perfect way to start off the stay... too bad I had a guy do my toes and almost cried as soon as I sat down. I hate feet, I hate it even more when guys touch my feet. That night was not outrageously fun, but it made us happy. Oh man Thursday was fun. Lunch, Shopping, and the Campus Crusade for Jesus meeting made our day well-rounded I'd suppose. Yes... we really did go to a Campus Crusade for Jesus meeting. It was interesting. Thought-provoking. And immediately following that holy experience, we dressed up, prettied up and headed out to a foam party at Main Street Bar. The place was small, the people were weird, the foam was overflowing the foam pit, but we had an AMAZING time. We met this guy from Argentina that was absolutly adorable and we kinda adopted him into our group, we got attacked by a tribe of small Mexican men, and we saw the most gorgeous man to ever walk the face of the planet. He was tall, strong, & dark meat :::wink wink::: too bad he turned out to be kinda jerky... damn. That night Jess & I almost died of choking to death on soap... fun way to die. Needless to say it's 4 days later and I think I still have soap residue stuck in my throat. not fun.

The ride back was equally if not more fun than the ride down. We saw llamas fighting over who was going to be king of the grassy knoll... Jess was making cow mating calls... we stopped at a truely (not to mention strange) country McDonalds... We sang along with and danced to Panic! at the disco... we almost got killed by a truck who apparently didn't see us in the lane next to him... and we made it through 6 states (not including conn.) in one piece.
I love driving. I love traveling. I love Jess. I love James Madison University... too bad they gave Jess a parking ticket for no apparent reason (and that's not even a slight fabrication of the truth).

French Kissing Life

[my music: Sean Paul ~ Temperature]

What made this vacation so incredible to me? Maybe it was hanging out in my fave New Jersey house and making fried oreos. Or it could have been remembering why I spent a huge portion of my life volunteering. Then again it could have been traveling for 6 hours with one of my best friends to Virginia for only 2 days. Maybe it was the clubbing and giving new groups of people a chance. Perhaps it was the CRU meeting that I went to (seriously... i do mean that. if you don't know what CRU is, ask me). Maybe it was seeing my old crew coach, one of the most influential people that I have ever met who is incredible in all that she does. Either way, I came home thinking that this was just going to be yet another week at home that I am just dying to get back to school from, but it turned out to be so much more. I learned. I danced. I forgave. I met. I traveled. I admitted. I visited. and unfortunately I ate... a lot.

A recap of the Virginia trip soon to come...
but for now.. i think sleepy might be a good thing...
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
And tonites the night the world begins again

This is... what is this?

[my music: Anything Kelly Clarkson]

So i've come to the conclusion that I am a huge Kelly Clarkson fan. She is truely awesome! Seriously, she is the one person to EVER walk off of American Idol with any talent (and that includes the judges and the pathetic host) and she is one of the few female singers that I actually can listen to and love most of her stuff. Ya know what else?? I was listening to a song today that I haven't listened to in the longest time and I had forgotten how well written it actually was and how sincere it sounded... it was Confessions of a Broken Heart by Lindsay Lohan. I don't particularly fancy Lohan's stuff... but this song is wicked good.

Outside of music... I have had the most amazing break so far. I loved seeing my fave RC boys, and peeking in on my fave residents at the nurisng home, and i loved seeing my Jen cuz i haven't seen her in months, and i love that i got to know so many people so much better. I love each and every single person that has walked through my life, regardless of how long they stopped with me.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the Virginia adventure... that is going to be AMAZING!!!! The pics from this week are going to be SICK!

i'm exhausted... and i have to pack.

ps- me and my superb decision-making skills made my already confuzzling life a little more confuzzling. As if i really needed this... and this is what? I dont know!!!!

And the glass plundered to the hardwood floor...

[my music: Nelly Furtado ~ I'm Like A Bird]

My emotions have been all over the place today...
I love being home. It was soooo nice to see my fave boys last night!!! After a scrumptious dinner filled with hilarious & sometimes awkward conversation, the journey to jersey began. It has been so long since the last time i was at the Warner home. And it hit me when I got there how much had actually changed since the last visit... some things will never change though. The joking is still constant, the laughter is still blustering, Max is still crazy, Joey is still adorable, and the fridge is still stocked full of Penn State Creamery products. Making fried oreos is def gonna be my fave part for the home-portion of this vaca! Gotta love my boys!

I love my friends... I got to talk to my bleep bleep today. She's awesome... no matter how big of a slob i can be, she's always there, and I hope she knows that i am always here for her too! only she and i could actually have a completely hilarious conversation for centuries at a time about gynocologists (aka "professional twat-looker-uppers") & yogurt. Right. That's how you know you and your friends are "special!" I talked to mushy mike tonight... that's always a plus in my day. He's such a sweetheart as are the rest of the Long Island boys! Our convos are always random as hell, but they're always awesome. I love that we hung out for only like 2 days and we still keep in touch now and keep getting closer. We had a good weekend, and I hope that we have it again soon. My friends are seriously the most incredible people in the world. PS- I miss K.Rey! :::Note to self: call K.Rey asap!:::

Tears came with unrelenting force today when talks of my little cousins arose. They were forced to grow up too fast... and that's tragedy in its truest form.

My sisters are awesome. It's always so nice to come home and be with them. Blood doesn't come any thicker than this. Laughter, teasing, yelling & dancing always come naturally when we're together. That's is something special.

but i'm exhausted & heading up to Brewster tomorrow morning... so i'm hitting the sack pronto! Goodnight moon.