Are You A Lesbian?

[my music: Head Automatica ~ Beating Heart Baby]

Friday Night Recap:
New Haven for RBar night!!! 6 sexy girls. 6 different looks. 2 things in common: our love for music, and our love for the night life. We packed into the car, me in front trying to get my make up lookin' hot; while Cass, Tara, Stini & Em had to pack the backseat of jess's hot ride. Once we got to RBar we walked around, danced a bit and waited for upstairs to open... it was basically like trying to get into another danceclub to get up there. We got up pretty easily, but there was a huge crowd of people that had to wait for the people like us to come back down and make more room... the thing is though that no one really came back down. We met up with Dany, Davidson and the rest of his crew and danced with them a bit. There was so much that happened that night... Cassie could barely stand up, Emily was lost for entirely too long, we all danced in a cage, we got lost on the way home, we sang, we fought, we danced. i had no voice at the end of the night. When we got back we couldn't just go to bed... Jess & I went up to 280 to see Patrick, Stini almost got kissed, and everyone else kinda chilled. I still couldn't sleep though at like 5 in the morning when we finally came back to our suite, so Big Andy and I decided to watch a movie. we talked until like 6 am, and passed out maybe 5 minutes into Donnie Darko. It was def a night well spent.

Saturday Day/Night Recap:
We slept for a good portion of the day, then Stini, Em, Jess and I went to the movies to go see Date Movie. Before the movie started though we went to Giove's in Bridgeport. Let's just discuss that their Giove Wrap (grilled chicken, mozzarella, tomatoes and pesto mayo) is absolutly AMAZING. It was delicious. So back to the movie. It was funny at times, but by no means comparable to comedies such as Wedding Crashers. It made fun of popular movies that Scary Movie didn't get to rip on, but it was not a laugh out loud for more than 3 seconds at a time kind of movie. There were parts that the girls and I loved, but for the most part I am glad that I only spent $6.25 on it. Oh well.

When we got back from the movie, the four of us chilled for a bit. Em and I traded dance party songs, then we all climbed on to Em's bed and listened to Budweiser advertisements. That was fun. Then we started our Saturday nights the way Quinnipiac kids do it. Kings with the 8 of us was hilarious. There were ridiculous rules made like no cursing, and then there was the rule of having to punch one of the people next to you before drinking, and then there was after getting punched by the person next to you you must say oh vagina! That was fun. Well... to make a long story short, what started in troup eventually traveled to Perlroth (where Em and I punched the shit out of each other's arms), then Commons (where we came pretty close to getting written up... yeah getting written up in a freshman dorm would have been something to brag about), then Larson (where I blew a kiss at an RA who wants to kill me), then back to Troup where we chilled with stini's friend from home, Patrick broke my left foot, and I got to throw... um... someone's... stuff back in his face in front of quite a few people. That was amusing. I started missing someone, and I got to hear his voice which made the missing worse... but my lovely partners in crime helped me with that. We layed around after most people had either gone to sleep or passed out, and watched videos on Collegehumor.com. Yeah you wish you were us. Big Andy stopped by with some cheesey bread for us, which we scarfed down in less than like 2 minutes. And eventually, Emily, Stini and me passed out spooning in Emily's bed. That is where we remained until we woke up this morning. That was fun. I love those girls like whoa.

So what I came away from this weekend with...
McNugget is now synonomous with hot. The person at McD's is a man... or maybe a woman? RBar has better looking guys than most other bars/clubs in New Haven. I am addicted to chocolate. Big Andy is a fun person to have sleep overs with. I really don't mind foot massages! Stini, Em, Jess and I are awesome together and going on adventures.

Music Adventure: Concert No. 7 for Matty & Sam

[my music: Morningwood ~ Nth Degree]

Adventure Distance: Hamden, Connecticut to Hartford, Connecticut
Destination: Webster Theatre
Performers: Head Automatica with opener: We Are The Fury, Morningwood and some band that was first to perform but we missed...

Disclaimer: Opinions on the areas of Hartford are in no way shape or form intended to disrespect the city of Hartford, Connecticut or it's residents.

The sky was black. The road was long. The music was loud. The tradition lives on. Last night Head Automatica became concert number 7 that Matty & myself have been to together in the last year (The first six were Everclear, Reel Big Fish, Less Than Jake, Piebald, Finch, and the Ataris). What began with scrum-dilly-umptous deli sandwiches and talks of loving relationships or lack-there-of, ended with ringing ears and sore throats.

the major discovery of the night remains that Ray & Mike's sells Ben & Jerry's ice cream... and they have Magic Brownie. Holla!

Last night was the first time ever going to the University of Hartford. It was a lot smaller than I thought it would be... I thought it was wicked confusing though but matt & scott kept saying that it was just one big circle. Hey! Don't make fun. Any campus other than Quinnipiac's is confusing. We have 1 relatively straight road that goes through the campus withone branching road. And lets just get it out there that beyond campus, on one side there are ginormous and beautiful homes... and on the opposite side there is the ghetto. It was mildly strange.

You would think that being this was the 4th concert that Matty & Scott were going to at the Webster Theatre in Hartford, they would know how ot get there... but nooooo, they didn't. damn boys! We wound up driving through the hardcore G-HETTO areas and I was so convinced that my life was going to end. Finally, by random luck we found it. So we drove around looking for a parking spot because oh, that's right, it is real smart to not have a parking lot for a musical venue in the middle of the ghetto so that all of the little emo white kids have to park in front of run down, nasty looking homes and then walk for blocks to go see their little rock bands play.

As for the music, we got there in the middle of We Are The Fury's performance. I really really liked them. They had part of the Tetris theme in one of their songs and it was awesome. I almost bought their underwear, but they only had one size... that sucked. Morningwood performed after them. Matty had said on the way to the show that he had seen a pic of the lead singer and thought she was hot... i argued with him that he def was not thinking of the right band, and he thought I was wrong. So when they came out on stage and she started "dancing" he immediately repealed his previous comments about her being hot. They were fun, didn't really feel their music all that much. New York Girls and Nth Degree are 2 songs that I like. Head Automatica was SOOOO GOOD. They opened with The Speed of a Yellow Bullet, then Brooklyn is Burning... which made me happy. They did Razor really well also... didn't really feel the ending to the encore though. New songs as closers never really do too well in my opinion. They were fun and energetic as expected, Daryl was a little off, but it wasn't terrible. I wasn't feeling the little rap bit that they did, but it was a damn good performance none the less. I was most pleased.

On the way back, we got a little tense cuz Scott never has ANY idea where we are and how to get to his school. It wasn't too late, but matty had promised to help his suitemate with stuff and had to call steph, and that made matty kinda aggitated. Well after we dropped off scott at UHa, we sped all the way home. Matty was singing at the top (and by top i mean the tippy tippy top) of his lungs to Saves the Day. After one song, he was sympathizing with singers who perform live... but that didn't stop him. he went on and on and i just laughed the entire way home. It was good times with good people.

Matty = Love of my life. Thanks. bye. :::sorry steph::::
Hartford was interesting. Music was Great. I went to sleep happy and because of the ringing I was unable to hear the drunken slobs in Troup when they got back from the bars...

ps- steph, that's a joke.

Where is the silver lining?

[my music: Brand New ~ Seventy Times 7]

I am so tired.
I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel alone.
I miss your voices and your accents, and the jokes, and the family. I miss the touch. I miss the hugs and the kisses and the dinners. I hate that my children will never meet either of you. I hate the fact that neither of you will be at my wedding. I really wish you could be at my wedding. I'm going to miss you at my birthday. My birthday will never be the same again. I won't ever get another card signed Titi Evelyn and Uncle John. I won't ever get another card in the mail postmarked Miami, Florida. I never want to go to Florida again. I hate that state. I hate the day you left. I am going to miss the palm trees and the pool where we swam with the boys. I miss how cute you were when you were pregnant with Dylan. I don't want to believe that you're gone.

I didn't lose either of you. You were taken. I want you back.
This is my grey cloud... where's the silver? I just can't find it.

Musical Break: Jimmy Eat World

Jimmy Eat World is definitly one band that I happen to think is severely under-appreciated. Their songs are true, real, and so relate-able to so many different groups of people. One song that has touched my life so deeply is Drugs or Me. It touched me, and continues to touch me now. I am dedicating this song right now to a person that I sit next too and I can't tell if what he says, does, or feels is him or the drugs... i wish it were him, but it will be a while until i can find out for sure...

Stay with me
You're the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy

Keep my heart
somewhere drugs dont go
where the sunshine slows
Always keep me close

if only you could see
the stranger next to me
You promise that you're done
but I can't tell you from the drugs

Don't let go
we'll dig a great big hole
down an endless hole
we'll both go

You're so blind!
You can't save me this time
Hope comes from inside
And I feel so low tonight

if only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs

I wish you could see
This face in front of me
You're sorry you swear it you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs

(take me) I need your help
(so far away) To pull me up take the wheel
(take me) Out from me
(so far away) Out from me

Keep my heart
Somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows
always keep me close

ps- side note from Jess: Leave the past in the past. that's where it was meant to be, so leave it there. Ok, so I added a little bit in there... but that's kosher. right?

Country Sky Glow

[my music: Dave Matthews Band ~ Mother, Father]

I was talking to my mother today and I realized something. I realized that there are just some people in life that no matter what happens they will forever have the same effect on you. The situation between two people may change countless times over months, and eventually one day over years, but they will forever hold the same place in your heart that they always held. I was in so much pain over the last few days, and I saw the smallest sign of slight relief last night when I heard your voice. I heard your voice for the first time in weeks, and I loved it. During the last 2 years of my life I saw some really happy times, and some pretty rough times, but you and that voice of yours always found a way to bring serenity back. We didn’t talk for long, but I felt slightly better afterwards because I was always able to see the truth in your voice. No matter how different you became on the outside, you were always the same on the inside to me. I am so glad that you had finally started speaking and showing the truth to me, and I am honestly really glad that you called yesterday.

I was just wondering if you’d come along
tell me you will…

I will live to love another day

[my music: 311 ~ Beyond the Gray Sky]

I love my friends. While at home, I was sitting around with my famiy when we got a delivery of a dozen white roses. They were addressed to me, and I was completely baffled by who could have sent flowers... i opened the card, and it was from the absolutly wonderful girls of Troup 120. That made me feel so good inside. These girls were amazing to me before, but now I am more sure than ever before that these girls are ones that I want to keep around for the rest of my life. When I arrived, the lovelies that were in the suite came out and greeted me... well Stini, Jess, Em, and Michelle all came out with arms wide open and smiles on their faces. I always felt close with them, but the fact that they showed this kind of support for me at this point in my life, means more to me than they could ever know. When Court got home, she was also with arms wide open and a smile... same with Cass when she got home later. The roses were the sweetest gesture, and it felt so nice to come back and hug each one of them.

I am trying to feel better about things. Nothing will bring Gina and Titi back, and nothing will stop this pain; but I have amazing people that I live with and the boys next door and upstairs that will help me get through each day. That is all that I can do right now, try to make it through each individual day. I love these people like they have no idea and I will spend the rest of this year and the rest of my life showing everyone that means anything to me how much i care. There are some people in life though that either don't want or don't need the love of certain people. Some people want to be rude to me, nasty to me, well they can go on with their issue-ridden lives because I am not wasting my energy on trying to get those people to be nice. I will love those who earned my love, those others can leave me alone because I am done trying to be your friend. not worth it. not even for a second.


Give love. Forget bitterness.

Every step taken, is a step closer to being with you again...

[my music: The Beatles ~ Let It Be]

It's kinda hard with you not around

Know you in heaven smiling down

Watching us while we pray for you

Every day we pray for you

Till the day we meet again

In my heart is where I'll keep you friend...

Everyone always says that life isn't fair, and you don't know what you have until it's gone. Well, tonight I felt it. Actually, I felt both, but not entirely the second one... You see, I believe that it wasn't fair to lose 2 of the most loving and special people in my life, but I knew what I had when they were still here with me. They were both amazing mothers, sisters, wives, daughters. One was my adorable, loving, giving, and absolutely hilarious Titi Evelyn whom no one will ever be able to compare to in my eyes. The other was my gorgeous, loving, sweet, one of a kind cousin and godmother Gina whom was nicknamed Missy for reasons that are older than me.

I'll never forget all those days and nights on Long Island at Titi Evelyn and Uncle Johnny's house... Some of my best childhood memories happened in that house. I'll never forget the white room with those (now to me hideous) maroon couches where we were basically never allowed to play because of all of Titi's glass and porcelain figures and collectibles. And how we were never allowed to eat or drink in the living room. Krissy and I used to play with our polly pockets in the sun room because the wood flooring made patterns like city blocks. She kept that house incredibly clean... The white carpeting was still white after more than 20 years of being in that house, the stove looked like it was never used, the pots and pans shone like they day they were bought. Dinner there was always fun... The adults at the dining room table or simply the kitchen table while krissy and I were always so excited to sit at the counter on those incredibly nifty bar stools. Holidays there were also always fun... titi's cooking was always amazing, and her gifts were always perfect... From all of the polly pockets she ever gave krissy and I, to pajamas that i had wanted or simply were exactly what I would want... Everything was always perfect with her. Her perfection spilled over from the way she presented herself, to how clean her entire house was, from her cooking to the pleats in her curtains. She was quite the perfectionist. And my god was she funny. With that random accent that no one can actually decide what kind of accent it was, she always had us laughing with the pronunciation of certain words. I'll never forget the time when we were at her old house and she had just changed Eyzayah and we were talking about weddings. She said how it would be so nice to throw "pebbles" at the bride instead of the traditional rice. Confused by this, Krissy and I stare at each other and krissy turns to titi and asked "Pebbles titi?" Titi, so innocently replied "Yeah, pebbles, you know from a flower." Krissy and I start laughing and Krissy said "you mean petals titi, PETALS." Laughing, and calling Krissy out on being the wise-ass that she is, titi took Eyzayah's rock hard (and full mind you)diaper and launched it full speed at Krissy's head. That was a night for the memory books. Even more than funny, she was perpetually giving. Every single time that we went to see her, we always left with something whether it was food, or jewelry, or perfume, or shoes. We were always leaving with something. And everytime we went to see her she always had something new to show off. She was quite the amazing woman. In my mind, she will forever be the aunt that I associate with elephants. That sounds mean, but there's a story behind it. When I was little, I had the hardest time pronouncing Evelyn, so I called her Titi Elephant and everyone used to make jokes of it. She used to also read Babar stories to me (I used to be OBSESSED with King Babar... i know, it's weird), but because of her accent, she said Babar funny, and I used to basically yell at her to say it properly. She's adorable.

I think though, that when speaking of Titi Evelyn, it is so important to talk about her relationships. First of all, she and her husband, my uncle johnny, they were absolutly amazing together. For as long as I can remember, they were the most fun couple. They were always joking around about anything and everything under the sun. He would poke fun at her, and she would play it off as him just being stupid. They were great to be around, the way that they interacted and just how they complemented each other so perfectly. My favorite relationship though to watch her in, was definitly the relationship that only sisters could have. She and my mother were the epitome of sisterly love. They joked around about things from their childhood, and were always telling me and my sisters stories of growing up with each other, and really showing us the importance of family and the unbelievably incredible bond that should exist between siblings and had to exist between sisters. From stories about how they used to color in their school pictures because they didn't like it in black and white, to arguing and laughing about what did or did not happen at random points in their teen years. No matter what the situation, they were in it together. Whether there was a loss in the family, personal struggles, a birth, any sort of celebration, or just getting together for no specific reason, the two of them made the most of every visit. They loved each other, and I hope that me and my sisters can turn out to have that kind of relationship when we grow up and eventually grow old together.

My cousin Gina was always gorgeous to me. She was this little lady with pouty lips, a smile to light up the darkest of skies, the best hair (whether it was brown or blonde, she always looked good), curves like the most dangerous of roads, and a butt that put Jennifer Lopez to shame. She was my godmother, but it was so much more to me that simply a title. I loved going to visit her when she lived on Long Island because she was always cool to me. when i was little, she was what I wanted to be when I grew up. When she moved to Florida, it was hard, but we still got to see her most summers. Each time, she was welcoming, and showing us around and taking us to the best restaurants. I'll never forget all those nights in her apartment hanging out and playing with her sons, and talking about everything under the sun. Even better was shopping. The times that we went to bayside and just walked around from shop to shop being girls... it was great. To the very end, she was gorgeous to me. She always has been and always will be.

Gina's beauty, loving nature, and spirit lives on still. It lives on in the form of 3 beautiful, amazing, and still innocent little boys. I love you Adonis, Dylan, and Kyle.

All i know right now is that life is too short to waste on hate and bitterness and distractions. The most important things are right there in front of you, you don't need to go looking for it. Family and true friends have always been there right in front of you, but won't be there forever. So, as with most people when they suffer a loss, I am urging everyone to not take any person, any day, any second, or any breath for granted. You may think that you always have tomorrow to tell your friends and family that you love them and how much they mean to you, but in one swoop someone can take them away from you... I had 2 incredible people taken from me without me recently telling them that I love them, so I'm doing it now because I know that somewhere they are looking down on me and knowing what Iam writing. Titi and Gina, you 2 were absolutly amazing people to me and every other person you've known. I love you both dearly and no matter what happens from here on out, I know that with every breath I take, I am closer to seeing you again... I know you guys will be looking down on us and keeping us safe. Thank you for the memories, and like everything great and beautiful you both were taken entirely too soon. I love you Titi. I love you Gina. Always have, and always will.

It really is hardly love...

Today is the day when people across the country and perhaps across the globe will be telling their loved ones how much they actually mean to them and how much they love them. There have probably been millions of dollars worth of chocolate, candy, roses, teddy bears and jewelry sold all because of this day, this depressingly sappy day(for those of us who are single) known as Valentine's Day. Candlelit dinners will be shared, love will be made, gifts will be exchanged and billions of couples will go to bed tonight wrapped up in the arms of the one that they love. I will be here with 6 fabulous girls (sorry michelle, you're not included because you have a hot date with an English guy) who mean the world and more to me, and we will have an amazing night no doubt... but i want to be with you. I really wish that I could just go up to you and tell you everything but I know that I can't. I wish that I could tell you how much you mean to me and how i wish that i was going to be with you tonight, but i know that I can't. You are amazing. No matter what you may think, you are... and don't dwell on the people who don't believe that, because you are and I am telling you that. I know i'll see you later today, you'll smile, we'll talk, i'll blush, and countless things will go unsaid... I will wait for you, but I can't wait forever.

Poetic Break: George Gordon, Lord Byron

Because poetry has always meant so much to me...

When We Two Parted
1.
When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

2.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken
And i share in its shame.

3.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:--
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

4.
In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long yers,
How should I greet thee!--
With silence and tears.

[1815]

-George Gordon, Lord Byron

Picture of Perfection...

[my music: queen ~ bohemian rhapsody]

This is to the best weekend ever... spent with some of the most amazing people I have ever known!

Maybe it was Friday night during the beer pong tournement, or while singing at the top of our lungs to Journey, or maybe lying around afterwards and joking around and recapping the night... Then again, maybe it was Saturday night when we were running around in the snow, or making fun of "unique" hairstyles, or maybe it was when we were singing along to Queen, or maybe it was the snowball fight and running around in the blizzard, or burning the popcorn and setting off the fire alarm at 2:30 am... Or maybe it was Sunday when we were all so excited to see the immense amounts of snow and running around in it, or maybe it was ordering enough food for a small country and just sitting around the 8 of us plus Blatchley and scarfing it down. Either way, at one point or another, I found exactly what I wanted and needed. I found the purest form of happiness and love that i had been longing for. Happiness and Love can be found in the people around you if you just stop looking so hard for it. I stopped, stepped back and took it in. It was in the people like Bleep Bleep, Tara, Clink, Michelle, Court, Em, Jess, Big Andy, Ian, Kris, Jon, Kevin, Andy, Dave, Ben, Patrick, GT, Adam, and Keesh. They let me have the best weekend ever. They let me realize what had been in front of my face all along but I just did not see...

This weekend was seriously a picture of perfection...

It's Amazing...

[my music: Nightmare of you ~ Dear Scene, I Wish I Were Deaf]

It's Amazing...
how someone can break your heart with a simple away message
how no matter how far you go, a picture has the power to make you time travel back 6 months
how I really believed that 2 good weeks meant something to him...
how I am dying to open up to people again, but I can't
how some people never change
how some things change beyond recognition
how you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
how I really don't want you
how selfish i really am...

Walking at night alone...

[my music: All American Rejects ~ Straightjacket Feeling]

Random Thought Night:
I've been working out pretty hard lately.
Today i only lasted 25 min on the elliptical though cuz i got a cramp. That sucked.
My workout yesterday was good. King of The Dancehall apparently gets me pumped.
I am excited for this upcoming weekend, i hope to be able to hang out with an old friend.
...maybe i'll invite a new friend...maybe one from a certain class?? ::wink wink::
Tomorrow is my day from hell... too many damn classes. I have nothing to look forward to.
Story time with Cassie. This is always good.
I dont want to have to deal with housing for next year. It is going to suck.
... hell I dont ever want to leave Troup, that's gonna be so sad.
Jess and I are thinking of becoming bartenders.. that'd be SICK
We want to get a cat for our apartment when we're seniors. that'd also be SICK
I want Goldie to come visit. It sucks that a certain somebody bailed because he sucks...
...I need to go to Bing soon.
Bob Saget is on TV right now riding a toy horse... and by riding i mean humping.

The weeks are flying by... it's only 4 weekends here until Spring Break. I don't know how I feel about that... I love going home and stuff, but I am going to miss this place like whoa to the max. It is true that when you are having fun time flies. Honestly after the way that my school year began, I really didn't think that I was going to enjoy this year. I pictured the rest of my year being sad and miserable, but the people here showed me that there was an entire life of good times that existed beyond my serious relationship. I dont regret that relationship. I dont wish that it ended sooner. I miss it sometimes. I still care about that person. But everyone that has come in contact with me this year has helped in making my year and life better. From the people that I didn't really spend a lot of time with or didn't really get along with, to the people that i love and spent nearly every waking second with... they all made my life better in some way or another. Overall I am ridiculously happy now (beyond the lack of love... i really am happy).

But i am wicked tired... so goodnight moon.

Laugh, Love & Lollipops

[my music: Armor For Sleep ~ Basement Ghost Singing]

Sitting here alone in the common room with 40 year old virgin blasting and everyone hiding in their own rooms, there are so many things running through my mind… Do I want to stay as an English Major? Switch to Journalism? Both? I don’t know… still up in the air about that. But honestly, what am I not up in the air about? …nothing. I am up in the air about everything as of right now. I don’t even know what I want to do in the next 10 minutes of my life. Def a sufferer of chronic indecision over here... I actually had a discussion with jess today about how the title of this blog should be “I don’t know…” instead of “It’s Hardly Love….” Whatever. I like it’s hardly love… but very few people actually understand it. It’s not actually about love, but more like life in general. Life is something that no one is ever sure of, and love is just another thing that very few people are ever sure of. The “It” is supposed to be life, and “love” is every human emotion and thought. Together, Life is hardly whatever we categorize it as… and that is the long and short of it (hahaha… 40 year old virgin reference-jess). I guess it’s not so strange that I’m all up in the air about everything after all… cuz honestly who is? you? didn’t think so. Another thing that I’m terribly torn over: relationships. Lately I’ve been really wanting a relationship because I’ve just about had it with being alone, but it really wouldn't be a let down if i didn't wind up with the person that I want to be with right now. Naturally it would be AWESOME if i did wind up with him, but i'm ok for now. In other news, next week is going to blow big time. The 14th and the 16th are going to be shit days for me :( oh well. The single girls here are planning on spending the day together, so I'm down with that. I love my girls like crazy. I started thinking about it yesterday and it kinda made me sad. I was sitting here watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and it made me think that I really cannot picture my life after college without these girls. We have our fights and bitchiness that we throw around like it's our job, but in the end, it's all about the smiles and good times we had. Maybe it's all of the nights spent up late because one of us can't stop thinking about a guy... or maybe the lunch dates between classes with each other that we wouldn't miss for the world... or maybe it's the perpetual teasing and joking around about crushes... or maybe it's the crazy dance parties that last all night long... either way... i love these girls and wouldn't trade them for the world. They've had my back whenever I needed them... and I will forever have theirs. I'm gonna be really lonely after graduation without my lovelies!!!!!!

for now... i am going to enjoy ever last second that I have with my QU loves!

Oh, it's a picture of perfection
Ah, and the postcards gonna read
"Fuck yeah we can live like this...
We can live like this"

But if you left it up to me
Everyday would be
A holiday from real
We'd waste our weeks
Beneath the sun
We'd fry our brains
And write it's so much fun out here
And when it's all over I'll come back for another year...

Because the situation called for it

I dont know what I am thinking anymore about anything.
I tried to forget it. I tried to ignore it. It wouldn't let me.
You didn't want it, and i let it go... now this? then what...


oh well. it's still just me and the moon...

Overtly Individual ... Covertly Traditional

[my music: Mary J. Blige ~ Without You]

This entry is mostly about me and one of my very best friends...

Let's start off by discussing the idea of truth. It can by quite the funny thing. Unless it means discussing the idea of truth with her mom, grandparents and 8-year old sister at dinner, and Jess decided that instead of waiting untill she is well out of college to tell her family about all of the crazy shennanigans that go on in college, she'd just tell them now... she then decided to include me in on that truth. Damn girl. So that was nice discussing the drunken habits of nineteen year old girls with a couple of elders that i had known for all of one hour. Right.

ps- El Coyote has wicked good guacamole.

now on to the topic... or rather recap of the crazy night at RBar. I originally wanted to go to the movies... but for Jess, that just wasn't exciting enough... so we decided at dinner (once again in front of her grandparents) that we were going to go to RBar in Milford. At first, i wasn't too happy with the idea being that i almost fell asleep in my plate of chimichangas... but i warmed up to it. When we got to RBar, it was nuts. First of all, the guys outnumbered the girls by like 4 to 1. Normally, a girl wouldn't mind that kind of number... but the guys were all skeevy & old. When we arrived, we went straight to the dance floor and no joke maybe 10 seconds after finding a place to dance, there were at least 4-5 guys around us trying ot dance with us... once again most of the guys there at the end of the night thought that we were lesbians... but that's ok. We kept dancing and everything, having a great time, but the guys were like freaking parasites. The highlight of the night though was def the catfight that took place in the middle of the dancefloor. Dude, i was totally shaking my thing to Yeah by Usher, then i got smashed in the back with a large black girl... Jess quickly grabbed onto my arm and jerked me toward the side of the dancefloor... there were a bunch of guys making a circle around these four girls that were just ripping each other apart... They were slapping, punching, hitting each other like there was no tomorrow and one girl ripped the shirt off of the other girl... It was insane... by the time that the bouncers actually came and tore it apart, there were weaves, earrings, bags and anything else you could possibly think of all over the place. Then the song ended, and i was pissed that i didn't get to dance to the whole thing, but it was ok cuz Run It by Chris Brown came on. The rest of the night was good... we danced... laughed... pushed guys away. When they played Sweet Caroline, we went NUTS! There were so many circles made around us during the night, but during that song it was insane... i hate guys sometimes. Whateva... we had fun, we sweated about 32 pounds off so that was good, and i'm glad we did that instead of going to see Annapolis.

ps- RBAR IS COMING TO NEW HAVEN IN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the way to her house from school, we were discussing fate and love. Both of us believe that fate is something that is very real... everyone is fated to be with someone else... but it's not necessarily the first person that you fell in love with, or knew since the second grade. Even though there are somethings that are fated to be, we also believed that the person must do things for themselves and not leave everything to the powers that be...
Love though is something that both of us are struggling with lately. It's weird, but both of us are in similar situations with love. We both were involved with people for a long time and it was serious. But both of us also lost those relationships. No matter what, the love that we had was too strong for too long, but it's over now and we can't do anything about it. But to make matters a little more difficult, both of us are growing fondly attached to new guys. The both of them are strikingly different from our past boyfriends, but have seriously touched both of us deeply. And now, we just don't know what to do or feel anymore. The more we think about it, the more confusing it gets... The only difference in my situation is that things with my exboyfriend were settled a little more than hers was, the one that we shall call him eric from now on. Eric and I spent a good amount of time together over the winter break, and it was exactly what i had needed. We both established exactly how we felt instead of continuing with the fighting and false hating each other, and that meant so much to me. We will always love each other, and right now we know that we can't be with each other... and that closure and knowledge that the one who i loved so deeply didn't actually hate me the way that i believed that he did, actually made me feel like I could let it go. Now I am separated from the love that i will always have for eric and I can move on nicely.

Well my shoulder hurts, The Fifth Element is on, I am exhausted, we're dancing tonight, the girls want to go to the rat now, and I want chocolate...

Everything Has A Beginning...

[my music: James Blunt Goodbye My Lover]

The first entry is always the hardest.
Life is quiet tonight. Unusually quiet. The club goers are still out, the parties here are confined after writing-happy RA's tore up Troup last weekend. By next week, I think that this place will liven up again. But not me... for a while, this girl's shot glass is retired.
In other news... I have this unbearable feeling of disappointment weighing on my heart tonight. I always wind up expecting too much from people and get let down in the end. This doesn't mean that I haven't let anyone down, because I know that I have. I'm not going to lie. But he was sweet, and he was so nice, but expected too much from him and he just was not ready. And for that I'm sorry to him.
So i have 2 classes tomorrow... lunch with my love (the beautiful Jessica B.)... off to the gym... and then i have absolutly no idea. I long for the weekend. I long for the summer.
Which reminds me, I miss you. Sometimes.

For now... It's just me and the moon.