Musical Break: Coldplay

Til Kingdom Come Lyrics

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I've never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you, I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know what I'll become

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

you know this is for you<3

The Dancing Star

The low lights cast dark and strategically placed shadows that hide the salt water streaming from my bloodshot eyes as I selfishly clench your "Broken Knowledge". The edges of the pages are curled and creased like the suit jacket you wore when I saw you last. I hold the book as though by some miracle you can feel the warmth of my wretched fingers. But you can't. Everyone sitting at that table with me was yearning to hold you but settled for cold leather bound books of your written words. Wherever you may have gone, we now wonder if you ever realized how many people you truly touched.

We read your written words to a room full of people, most of which knew that you had passed, knew that you were a great man and a great professor; but knew little beyond that. I read your poem "If Not The Wind" to the understanding crowd that sat attentively, eager to hear the words of the man that so many people are grieving. It was so difficult for me to do it, but I knew that I had to. I had to tuck my fears in to my back pocket and read it for you; for your honor, for the lessons you have taught me, the journeys that we've shared, for the memories we've made, and for the tears that we've cried. You did not fear the wind in the poem, and I know that you did not fear the wind in the end.

On the way back to my car, I whispered into the night wind my truest emotions for you. And I knew that I was being selfish in thinking that you heard me, that you were watching over me. I hope that you do drop in once in a while and take notice of how you have truly left a heavy thumbprint on my life.

To me, you are that dancing star. Even though it never danced, the man it was branded on was a bright light in a dark place. You were that hope and guidance for me, the girls, and every other student you've had. As I am sure, your fellow professors and scholars felt that you were the same for them.

You are loved.
You will be sorely missed,
but we will always have London.

Rest In Peace
Mark Evan Johnston
August 22, 1945 - November 27, 2007

Thanks so much...

[my music: Big Casino ~ Jimmy Eat World]

So it seems that my last Thanksgiving break ever has come and is fleeting into the frigid night. It was a truly special week, with many events, many new friends, and many chances to sit and reflect. Thanksgiving day was great; sitting around discussing random happenings in separate but still connected lives. Talks of a wedding in exotic locations remained sprinkled throughout the day, with nothing short of excited responses and ideas. Toward the end of the night the women found themselves gathered around a table that continues to be occupied by pumpkin spice mini bundts, rice crispy treats, brownies, raspberry cream chocolate cookies, tea cups, and about a million Thanksgiving themed tiny paper napkins; as we still discussed things that make us smile, and laugh, and pretty much things that make us Chan women. All of this, while daddy and MJ rested in preparation for their father/future son-in-law fishing trip. Overall, it was an extraordinary day. And I must add that I am so happy for Andrea and MJ on their engagement, and despite the lack of importance of material objects in a loving relationship, her ring is absolutely exquisite.

Besides the day itself, so many things made me smile this week. A day reserved for me and my mother at the beginning of my break for shopping, book browsing at barnes & noble, making dinner, movie watching and a Bailey's cheesecake, made the day quite enjoyable. My mother is the best.

Then of course, hitting up Brux with Lisa & Courtney on Thanksgiving Eve was enjoyable to say the least. Dancing in the boom-boom room, just chatting, running into Beau (my faveee) and Monika, and so much more reminded me why I haven't completely given up on the possibility of the existence of quality life forms in Rockland. Plus, scarfing down McD's with Lisa at 3 am is always a plus in my book.

In the midst of all the happiness and life-loving, there was that depressing reminder that sometimes people change beyond recognition over the course of college. Also, sometimes when long-term relationships end, the parties involved immediately return to the age at which they started the relationship. It's a bummer when you witness it first hand, and get kinda screwed over in the process, but hopefully that certain someone will come to realize how life changes and we have to stay strong and not just give in to your childish urges. Also, sometimes the nice guys turn into complete assholes in college. BUT, somewhere tucked in the one downer night, was flashback central. George, Mark, Alap & Harsha made the most unexpected appearance, or should I say reappearance, in my life. And it was interesting, but delightful nonetheless. In addition, I'd have to say that a certain someone came through for me that night when I really needed someone. And that person has no dedication to me anymore and the fact that he still came through meant a lot to me. So thank you.

My last full day in rockland started off with such creative force in my soul, so I made a few christmas cards that came out beautifully (yes, i am a card-making nerd!). Then of course 2 hours on the phone with my favorite boy was enough to make me smile for the rest of the day. I could never get sick of that voice :D. Then my last day at Aber was pretty decent, i mean working with Lisa, Megan, Alicia, Decker, and Susan (and some newbies) is always a good time. Closing down women's 1 with Alicia & Decker was HYSTERICAL *Foofy/Pookie wants to dance!* After work, having to yell to communicate with Decker & Alicia in Decker's vibrator on wheels was quite hilarious, as was Decker and I yelling while walking down to the 189 in the voice of a 1980's housewife from Brooklyn at our imaginary husband Harry because he's disgusting. The fun slipped for a minute or two when we arrived, but the night ended on a very high note.

And as per usual, the week at A&F was great. People may judge those that work there, making claims like they're fake, snobby, bitchy, materialistic, shallow, and whatever other negative garbage people want to sling at them; however, in my experience, there are amazing people that work there. I will admit though that there are better people in the Palisade's Aber, than in the Connecticut Post (sorry guys). You know what? We are judgemental at times, harsh and bitchy. But we're awesome together and have a great time no matter what. I'm gonna miss them over these next few weeks, and I'm stoked for our winter break reunion.

Even outside this week, life has been lovely, depressing, joyous, and infuriating. But that's the way life is, and coming to terms with it and rolling with the punches is all we can do. And I feel as though I'm rolling quite well and that's why I am so incredibly happy now. Also, with events in my life, I've come to realize when my years of pain, mediocrity, and happiness begin and end, and I think that I am in my rightfully earned year of happiness. It's been a while since I've been this positive with my outlook on anything. It's also been a while that I've been asking for a year of pease, serenity, and honest happiness. Finally, I think it's here.

My life is fantastic right now, and that is what I am thankful for.

Sometimes that slight twinge of pain lets us know we're alive

[my music: From Where You Are ~ Lifehouse]

So over the course of this semester thus far, I have realized and come to embrace the multifaceted nature of everything in this life. From the minuscule to the immense, everything has more than one side from which people may view it. Which is why, as explained in my previous posts, that I believe my views and beliefs to be realistic while others see them as the bitter rantings of an unromantic atheist. Actually, the more that I read up on various belief systems, the more I tend to believe the pagan beliefs than anything else. But that's a whole other post!

Anyway, the point of this post is in the realization I came to the other day I was writing a message to the guy that's very dear to me, but very far. The concept of missing a person is often regarded as such a negative thing. It's a state of deprivation. A state of unhappiness with the absence of another. But that day I realized that I don't feel deprived or unhappy. I feel content in the idea that I have someone to miss. So many people at this age are searching for that someone to mean something, and I have it. It doesn't matter that he's in another country, it doesn't matter that I have to go months without him. I'm so happy with the idea of missing him because it lets me know that I have someone that I care about. And the fact that he misses me, lets me know that my feelings and emotions are not in vain.

Essentially, I would much rather care and feel this slight twinge of pain, than never have known what it feels like to care about him at all.

There's a difference between negative and realistic

[my music: Something ~ The Beatles]

So the other day I was at a party and this girl came up to me in her drunken excitement, and was thrilled to see someone from her philosophy class. She proceeded to tell me my name followed by "you're the really negative girl" . . . wow. As if that wasn't enough, she then inquired as to why i was so negative and asked if I had a horrible life.

I happen to feel that I don't view things in a negative manner, but more so a realistic manner. Perhaps it's also my attempt at self preservation, because with these viewpoints, I cannot be disappointed when I encounter love that was referred to as "unconditional" or when I die and don't find myself with Saint Peter up at the pearly gates of heaven.

I also happen to feel that my life is awesome right now. Only a lucky few can find themselves in my shoes. It's 2007, and I find myself a 21 year old healthy individual getting ready to graduate from a University that I love and at which have spent the last 4 years with friends that have shaped my life. Friends that I've made at Quinni and the ones that i still have from home are my life. My family is an incredible force in my life of 5 individuals who are strong and supportive. Further still I have an amazing guy in my life who is so dedicated to me and keeps me happy unlike any other guy i've ever been with, and he does it all from 3500 miles away. I maintain a steady level of happiness and satisfaction these days. So my views shared with my class are in no way, shape, or form a result of any "negative" life.

Oh, that reminds me, today is first official day of something amazing. :D

I Love You Unconditionally?

[my music: 1234 ~ Feist]

So yesterday I realized that the entire student population in my Philosophy of Life and Life After Death has come to a consensus that I am a negative person.

First I told the class that I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I would much rather believe that the spirits of the departed remain among here, weaving in and out of the worlds of living individuals; as opposed to believing that if we commit adultery, or take the Lord's name in vain, then we are doomed to a fiery eternity of pain and torture. Or on the opposing end, I think an eternal existence among happy, cubby cherubs chilling in clouds, would become rather banal.

Then in a discussion regarding near death experiences, I expressed that i don't believe that the tunnel vision and the hearing of voices is anything significantly spiritual and religous. People across cultural and religious boundaries expereience the same things, and I believe that this can be explained by the simple connection that we are all human beings with the same general anatomy and body functions. When the body is shutting down and coming that close to actual death, I feel as though what people see and hear are simple the results of a the few sparks still going off in the mind of the individual. And the reason why some experience this and others don't is nearly similar to why some individuals recall dreams as positive or negative, while others don't recall their dreams at all. There are arguments that people having these experiences come back to life with a much different outlook on the rest of their earthly existence and resulting from a deeply religious awakening. Once again, I disagree with this statement. I think that people who come so close to losing their life simple come back with a different regard for the life which they lead. They now understand the frailty of life and the limits of time on such, which therefore will change the way they conduct the remainder of their days. It's only natural for someone to have a changed outlook and manner of handling things when they realize that it is actually limited.

Then last night, the discussion revolved around love. My professor wrote a book "The Loving Person," in which he explores the nature of loving, styles, concepts, then different parts of loving interactions: sex, marriage, friendship and death. Well there is an argument made by a philosopher by the name of Erich Fromm, that women love their children unconditionally because of the obviously physical contact between mother and child; while the father loves the child conditionally because the child needs to fulfill certain expectations of the father's, in order to receive his love.

I do believe that parents love their children differently, however I do not think it is fair to say that the mother's physical carrying of the child during those first 9 months is grounds to claim a closer connection. In some situations, the father can be closer to the child for any number of reasons (including postpartum depressions, work/occupation arrangements), and can then claim to love the child more than the mother does.

However, I do not believe in the existence of unconditional love. Unconditional by its very definition is: "not conditional; not contingent; not determined or influenced by someone or something else" (dictionary.com). Another aspect of unconditional love, not stated in this definition is that it would be witout compromise. To me, I do not see how someone could love anyone without certain conditions or compromise. In every loving situations, regardless of if it may be between mother and child, between lovers, friends, or family, you will have to compromise and maintain certain boundaries which are essentially conditions that love simply cannot pass. Many will claim to loving family members and even lovers unconditionally, but I feel that the claim is only because the boundaries were never breached and compromises never broken. I am not saying that the feeling of unconditional love cannot exists. I do feel however, that it is an illusion.

Maybe I am negative. Maybe I am mildly cynical. But I have reasons for believing these things, and I can argue my points just as easily as a relgious fanatic. And the way I think makes me who I am.

Immortality Anyone?

[my music:] Think of You ~ A Fine Frenzy

“But in fact it’s true that for many of us, there does come a time when going to Barcelona, eating oysters, seeing the fireworks at New Year just isn’t as exciting as once it was” (Belshaw, 82). Belshaw is clearly an opponent of an elixir promising immortality because with this statement I believe that he feels as though the world only has so much to offer and if we are able to live forever, we will no doubt be able to do anything that we want in any time span.

I agree with this statement because I feel as though the reason why we find things like trips to Disneyworld, whitewater rafting, and even lunch dates with old friends so enjoyable is because of the fact that burned into our mentality and our approach to everyday life is the idea that it will one day end and we can only do a certain amount of activities and take part in a certain amount of events while it lasts. Even if you were to take this rather immense concept of being unappreciative of things in a whole lifetime, and put it into the smaller parameters of a few months, the logic remains.

College life forces young adults to live in close quarters with a set number of people, for sake of argument lets make that number, 7. A single individual has 7 people with whom they co-exist. Day in and day out, they know that those 7 people will always be within shouting range, essentially. It is so easy for that person then to take advantage and almost unappreciate the fact that those 7 people will almost always be available for any meal date, watching movies, or just even talking to. Now, if you were to take that same individual and place them with 7 different people in the same size living space in a foreign country, lets say for a studying abroad program, that individual is more likely to want to spend more quality time having meal dates, watching movies or even just talking to his or her roommates because they know that their time together has already been determined. This scenario is very much like that which people who live in or near New York City, Boston, London or any other major city in the world. Those who live there tend to not take advantage or sightseeing opportunities the way that a tourist would. This is not only because of money spent on getting to the destination, but the fact that the tourist knows that his time in that major city is limited and would love to soak as much as he or she can before departing.

Back to the concept of immortality. If people knew that they would be able to live forever, I feel as though there would be a severe decline in tourism, event planning/attending, and even the importance of holidays and birthdays. So beyond just trips to Barcelona, and fireworks becoming less appealing, the world would suffer greatly. There is so much more than individual lives that hang in the balance of this concept. Many countries in this world depend heavily on tourism: foreigners come to spend their money on hotels, excursions, souvenirs, shows, events, etc. Without the excitement to travel, tourism would decline greatly. This could mean severe drops in income for countries, which would cause a decrease in employment and an increase in poverty, all because people lost the urgency to do much of anything. With a limited life, comes urgency and excitement to participate in life itself. With immortality comes a laziness.

Furthermore, with the confidence in a perpetual life, there would be less of an emphasis on diet, exercise and personal maintenance. This could cause an increase in obesity and other health related issues. More along the same lines, while those who take the elixir live perpetually, those who do not take the elixir will be plagued by newly adapted bacteria and diseases. Those who do have the elixir are still exposed to bacteria and disease, which then would adapt and become more dangerous (this is what happens, bacteria and diseases evolve as their hosts evolve). Such an evolution would affect all of those whom were not affected by the elixir. Those, meaning other humans, but also plants and animals. Which equates a huge problem for that which sustains the immortal life.

Even the excitement of holidays and birthdays will be lost because after a while, it becomes old. Without the chance at immortality, you can see a lack of enthusiasm in a 60 at Christmas time versus the ecstatic nature of a 6 year old on the same holiday. As an individual ages, the excitement that holidays and gift receiving once had, generally tends to fade. Maybe more so in some, but overall there are very few elderly people that react the same way as a toddler to holidays such as Christmas or Chanukah. Birthdays would be the first holidays to be forgotten. If one could live forever, the concept of having a 4,362^nd birthday would just not be appealing to most! Birthday cakes, candles in the shapes of numbers, birthday cards, and birthday décor would in all likelihood become extinct.

To some, the chance at an immortal life is appealing. But very often with that feeling, comes very little contemplation of the effects or parameters of such a life. Excitement and urgency to act can be easily lost, which turns and affects more than just ourselves in the end.

hmmm... i think i'll take my chances
with a plain old fashioned mortal existence

And just like that, you were gone in a flash

[my music: Man of the Hour ~ Pearl Jam]

There's a black towel that still hangs next to my pink towel in the bathroom. It's slightly damp still from this morning. I'll probably leave it there for another week or so. No one will touch it. No one will use it. It will just hang there. I love that you had your own towel in my place. There's also black sweater that hangs in my closet. It's yours. I always made fun of you for calling it a jumper. It will probably be my favorite clothing item this winter.
You also made my bed this morning, and every other morning you woke up here. That makes me so happy. I promise, when I get out there, I will make your bed.

i miss you already

A tragedy 4 years in the making...

Half moon colored pumpkin.
cheeks stained black.
Two tired bodies. One fading heartbeat.
The most tragic three word combination: You Were It.

And the band plays on...

[my music: Painters ~ Jewel]

People are occassionally wonderous and beautiful, but some as of late are overwhelmingly infuriating:

The Mouse: fighting terribly to create a name for itself in a clique.
The Trailer-Trash Poodle: dying for attention.
The Aged Tabby Cat: living vicariously through her rebellious little sister.

Everyone pretty much creates a name and spot for themselves within the first weeks (at most) of being in a clique of any sort. You have the grouch, the wild child, the playfully naive,... so on and so forth. But to change your position and name within that group is extremely difficult. While personal character changes and evolves from month to month, season to season, and year to year, it is difficult to lose any name you created for yourself however long ago. Some people though are attempting to change their name quickly and effectively. Few can pull it off, many screw it up. Many college-aged girl cliques find themselves in a dense cloud of drama that is only worsened by this type of situation. By attempting to take part in the drama of a group for the simple task of creating a personal name, you can either succeed and become like every other girl you surround yourself with, or you can find yourself kicking up more drama than some members of the clique are willing to deal with. As we age, our tolerance of petty crimes against social status becomes less. Word of advice to those attempting to create a name for themself (and pretty much anyone in the whole world): Choose wisely the drama you want to find yourself involved in, because you may find that even the most drama-filled clique cannot handle any more drama-starved children.

Some girls were just born with the ability to command attention. Others, not so much. So, they then try to get attention by dressing provocatively, rebelling against and claiming individuality from the social scene which they surround themselves with, and hating people like me. First of all, dress is the ultimate way to attract specific people from specific groups. If you dress preppy, you are more than likely going to attract people of the "preppy" social scene. If you dress trashy, you are more than likely going to attract people of the "trashy" social scene. Seems logical enough... But beyond just that, it reveals class, or lack thereof. I'm sorry, V.I.P. and other porn shops are not the best place to buy your shoes! Pretty much, that means you share the same shoe collection as hookers, prostitues and strippers. Now last time I checked, that's not exactly the crowd to associate with if you want to be taken seriously professionally and personally, regardless of who you think you have to or don't have to impress. Which brings me on to the fact that it absolutely infuritates me that people claim to hate those which they willingly surrounded themselves with. When you applied for admission to Quinnipiac University, you had to know that the majority of the students there would be white, Catholic, upperclass individuals probably with some spoiled and bratty tendencies. I will admit that I used to hate a similar crowd (except they were mostly Jewish and not Catholic), but Quinnipiac is normal for me, the class, the tendencies, everything, because it is what i grew up with, so I am able to handle it and now I realize that I am more of that crowd than I ever wanted to admit. But when you do not come from a similar setting, you had to know from pictures, from student reviews, that it was going to be the way that it is. Things that are different, stand out. And if you hate that scene so much, why the hell would you apply to be a part of it? It sure as hell was not the price and it sure as hell was not the hoppin' town surrounding it. So while you are here, do not broadcast how much you hate everyone around you because no one forced you to stay, no one forced you to live on campus with everyone, no one forced you to pay $35,000 a year so you can claim how every single Quinnipiac girl is the same and you are so gloriously different. You are not glorious and you are not different. You dress differently, you come from a different class, but in the end you and all college students are painfully similar. We are all here for an education to make a life for ourselves and our families one day, and along the way we are fighting to find ourselves and others whom we want to keep around as friends, confidants, potential lovers and spouses even. You are not different. Get over it. So when you come along and hate on me for no reason other than I am everything you hate and have everything you want, just remember, that I will be civil; but I will not go out of my way to be kind, and behind my seemingly harmless glance, I am laughing at you. I am laughing because you think you are sexy stomping around in hooker shoes, and wearing outfits that cost less than my shoes, and I know that it is the girl standing there commanding attention with her personality, her natural beauty, and her general presence that will still outshine you even on your best day. So go on playing your games, but one day you will wake up and realize how stupid you have been all along. Then again, maybe you won't...

Finally, aging can be painful, you realize how you've changed and grown, but sometimes there are still things left unsettled and you feel as though you cannot do anything about it. Rebellions were never understood by the autority, tears and struggles never sympathized with. But sometimes, those things are better of left that way. Left off as lessons of mishandled situations. Suddenly though, teenage causes are reignited by the rebellions and struggles of younger siblings. You should have learned that they were pointless from the start. College brings out the ability to do what your mother always told you to never do. It brings out the ability to try new things, experiment, stay out late, and essentially have more control over your daily tasks than ever before. However, some people simply cannot handle this type of responsibility. Yes, while it remains to be one of the best times of anyone's life, it still is more responsibility than you had ever had to deal with before. So those who had been sheltered all their lives and never really had to do more than their own laundry, will more than likely abuse the freedom of college. This brings about quarrelling between the young and the old. The parents want what is best, but the children see it as parents still attempting to control them. It is not right though, for an older sibling to step in and take the side of the younger sibling and promote rebelliousness for the simple reason that they did not have anyone there to support their side. Yes, sibling support is important, but when it is for the right reasons. Support your little sister's health, suport your little sister's decision to take part in greek life, support your little sister's academics. Do not turn around and talk smack about your own mother just because over a decade ago she used to try to control you too. You are supposed to deal with your parents, talk things through, and realize both sides of the argument. You are not supposed to lock yourself in your room, talk smack to your friends, and ignore your parents' point of view. In all of this, remember, that Karma is real. One day, you will have children too, and they will do exactly what you did to your mother, and what you are now having your sister do. To me, it is pathetic. Grow up and act your age.

ok, that was negative enough...

Dance, music, burgers, s'mores, partying, and beaded curtains made me remember why humans are amazing. The ability to speak your mind to a friend because she knows how honestly you love her and are looking out for her, is amazing. No matter how bitter things got over disagreements in life decisions, we still are able to get back to normal. Just getting in the car together, singing and driving; laying out on the beach, getting dolled up together, and just be our crazy quirky selves, are my favorite parts of hanging out with you!! Thursday and Friday were full of reunions. Reunions between roommates, friends, and old old enemies were rather incredible. It's crazy going an hour and a half away from home just to run into someone you hated in high school, who actually lives only about 6 minutes from my front door... and we actually got along really well. Ohhh, it was fun. Pics are up on dotphoto if you wanna take a look!

But now one of the best weekends of the summer so far has come to an end and i start my second job in the morning. So until next time, I remain insatiable and fabulous. Goodnight <3

Sometimes a good venting is all you need!

[my music: A Slow Descent ~ Straylight Run]

first of all, i made my font darker because some people were complaining about it being so light, and quite frankliy it started hurting my head. Tonight i find myself plagued by the fairy of unpleasant contemplation. I am freaking out about and stressing things that I really should not be even really focusing on. There are so many things pulling me in a thousand different directions.

I'm finding myself surrounding myself more and more with girls that are so easy to please and relaxed about things. A few weeks ago in Nyack with Kim & Jennie we talked about how there are very few friends that you can have a meaningful relationship with and not worry about how much time passes between your visits or conversations. Kim and I could literally go a whole semester without speaking then once we're back in good old Roco, we pick up like not a day has passed since we last saw each other. Jennie and I the same thing, we just tend to miss each other more because we have the guilt of being family and not seeing each other. Either way, we know the value of friendship but understand the demanding nature of life especially during the college years. Ahhhh!!! I love my girls to death and I am slowly starting to realize which ones are closer to me and essentially more important than others. I also am thankful for my friends like Lisa, whom I knew of, but never really knew in high school. We went our separate ways, actually hung out with similar crowds and our stomping grounds overlapped a lot, still we never became friends. Then we started working together and it was like no problem what so ever that we hadn't ever really had a conversation before this past january. It's good to know that some people do get over petty high school cliques. I mean seriously, we never felt compelled to be friends, but growth and maturation have brought us together to the point of phone conversations that essentially play out as "I dont want to go out tonight if I don't go with you to Bruxelle's."

Guys on the other hand seem to be making things more and more difficult for me. I have guys that don't want me to be friends with certain guys, i have guys that don't want me to be friends with guys at all, and i have guys that are seriously just draining life out of me. Seriously, life is too short to be making such demands on people!!! And they need to realize that the more you talk to me about my friendships with other guys killing you, the more it's going to make me want to separate myself from you. I can deal with a fair amount of shit from people, but seriously, everything has its limit and I am quickly approaching mine. And i, from the bottom of my stomach, hate that I am feeling like I no longer want to do certain things that I know deep down inside I orignally wanted to do, because of my inability to deal with certain things anymore. I cannot be pushed around until you are happy! I want my friends to be happy, but I will sure as hell not sacrifice my own desires, happiness and whatever else just for the sake of one other person to be able to sleep better at night, while I lie awake forever guessing what could have been.

More so, I thought I had exactly what I had always wanted. Even If i couldn't have the whole thing, i knew that I didn't want to lose it all. I wanted to keep this in my life for my lack of ability to separate myself from it, and perhaps sheer faith in myself to actually make it alone. But once again everything has its limits and I feel that I have dealt with more than my fair share of garbage from this. I sit and I work at it, and I try, meanwhile nothing is ever returned to me in the same condition in which I handed it out. You, along with many other people I know will sit there and know exactly what I am talking about and mutter under their breaths that I am an idiot who should have sacrificed it all and not worried leaving.


ugh, well I am once again exhausted and completely forgot where I was supposed to be going again with this random ranting post. So, i guess that I will have to wait until tomorrow or some reasonable hour at the very least to finish up my rants. goodnight moon <3

I love cheesy personality profile type surveys online

[my music: You Won't Know ~ Brand New]

FIRSTS
1. First best friend: Lisa Landis
2. First love: Andy Sahn
3. First real kiss: the first one that was significant was Jeremy Login
4. First screen name: I think it was something like Tweety586
5. First pet: 2 miniature white bunnies Snowball & Fluffy
6. First car: Mazda Minivan, yeah i was a sexy 17 year old soccer mom

LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: hmmm... not so much
2. Last kiss: May 11th :(
3. Last good cry: a few weeks ago
4. Last beverage drank: milk!
5. Last food consumed: chocolate chip cookies
6. Last crush: hmm... real crush? John Langley
7. Last phone call: an hour ago with Andy

RELATIONSHIPS:
1. Who is your best friend: Patrick McGown
2. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: no...

FASHION STUFF:
1. Where are your favorite places to shop: for clothing: Abercrombie & Fitch ((naturally)), American Eagle... for shoes: aldo, staccoto... for bags: loop showroom bitches... i seriously don't know where else I shop!
2. Favorite item of clothing: my white Aber fleece hoodie

SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: does alcohol count as a drug? then yes.
2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Pantene Pro-V Sheer Volume
3. What are you most scared of: umm... sharp objects, heights, the ocean (or moving bodies of water that i can drown in), and moths

FAVORITES:
1. Colors: Pink & Black
2. Foods: Mexican food, broccoli and cheese, stuffed mushrooms, sweet & sour chicken
3. Subject in school: Most literature classes
4. Animals: cats, hippos, ducks and dogs
5. Sports: Baseball, crew, hockey, soccer, football
6. Movie: V for Vendetta, Ghost, A Scanner Darkly

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given anyone a bath: i dont think so...
2. Smoked: yeah
3. Made yourself throw-up: yeah
4. Skinny dipped: No...
5. Been in love: yes <3

CURRENT:
1. Clothes: Blue & green plaid boxers and a green tank top ((i love pj's!))
2. Music: Brand New's Album "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me"
3. Make-up: still wearing the usual: mascara, eyeliner, blush & lip gloss
4. IMs: Nope... people think i'm sleeping.

LAST PERSON:
1. Hugged: hmmm... it might have been Dan Mircica last night at Bruxelle's
2. Imed: Josh Halpern
3. Last person who slept at your house: Other than Luis? ummm... Patrick
4. Last persons house you slept at: Elisa's!

RANDOM:
1. In the morning I am: shocked at how good my skin looks
2. Love is: looking at someone from across a crowded room and being amazed at how the light makes only that one person glow. then again, maybe it isn't the light.
3. I dream about: random random things

Ten years ago, I:
1. was 11 years old
2. was in love with Dan Wagowski :D
3. was probably playing at Ryan Cook's house

Five years ago, I:
1. was 16 years old
2. was crazy about Mike DaCosta
3. was best friends with June Chaiyasit & Jane Bernstein

One year ago, I:
1. was 20 years old
2. was still trying to get over Andy
3. was getting ready for another camp season at Ramaquois

So far this year, I:
1. have been surprisingly happy and feeling free
2. have become more comfortable in myself and all my quirks
3. have become a lot nerdier!!!

Yesterday , I:
1. had lunch with my family and grandparents in chinatown
2. successfully went dress shopping!!!
3. went to Bruxelle's with Lisa Christiano and ran into every single person I have ever known in my entire life!!! like everyone from my ex's parents, to the previously mentioned Mike DaCosta, to the one girl i really hated in elementary school.

Today, I:
1. worked a 6 hour shift at Aber, and watched Lisa almost amputate her finger in a sensor remover
2. ate a nectarine
3. bought a candy bar... which i prob won't eat for another long time.

Tomorrow, I:
1. have to workkkk!!
2. am going to the movies with my faveeeee Alexx!!
3. will probably talk to elisa, cuz god forbid we go a day without speaking!!!

In one year, I will:
1. done with college?!
2. hopefully have a job that i enjoy
3. maybe have a boyfriend, i dunno. we'll see

In five years, I will:
1. be seriously dating/engaged to an amazing man?
2. be living in either New England, or Nyack/Piermont
3. have a good paying, fun job.

A - age : 21
B - band listening to right now: well now I'm listening to Nightmare of You
C - crush: i dont think i have a crush on anyone right now...
D - dads name: Joseph
E - easiest person to talk to: Elisa
F - favorite band at the moment : My Chemical Romance
G - gummy bears or gummy worms : Bears. without a doubt.
H - hometown : New City
I - instruments u can play: Flute
K - kids: I loveeee kids, and i'm kinda upset to not be back at ramaquois this summer :(
L - longest car ride ever: ummm, it was broken down into 4 hour segments, but i drove down to Florida with my cousins in 2003
M - mom's name : Maria
N - number of siblings : 3, Marisa, Andrea & Kristin... oh wait. now we have the little bro Luis... so for right now it's 4!
O - one wish : to feel the insane misery/bliss combination of love one more time before i die
P - phobia[s] : suffocating... ask anyone who has ever tried to touch my nose!!
Q - favorite quote: right now... it would have to be "i'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. i make mistakes, i'm out of control, and at times i'm hard to handle. but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" by Marilyn Monroe.
R - biggest rival : i dont think have one...
S - song you sang last : "I don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance
T - time you wake up: during the week, anywhere from 5:30 to 8
U - unknown fact about me : i dont think there's anything worth revealing here that isn't already known... that isn't also something that i want to remain unknown to the majority of you.
V - vegetable you hate : some weird ass root thing that my grandmother tried to get me to eat yesterday. oh and cauliflower ((that shit is naaaasty!!))
W - worst habit(s) you've had : picking at my nails, biting the inside of my mouth
X - x-rays you've had : oh... ummm.... both wrists, 5 fingers, both knees.
Y - yummy food : Guacamole
Z - zodiac sign : Taurus



damn. now i'm tired. that was entertaining... see?!?! i am a huge nerd!

Peonies are beautiful...

[my music: Foolish Games ~ Jewel]

First of all, a poem by Jewel titled So Just Kiss Me

So just kiss me and let my hair
messy itself in your fingers

tell me nothing needs to be done--
no clocks need winding

there is no bell without a voice
needing to borrow my own

instead, let me steady myself
in the arms

of a man who won't ask me to be
what he needs, but lets me exist

as i am

a blonde flame
a hurricane

wrapped up
in a tiny body

that will come to his arms
like the safest harbor

for mending

That is what i want, I want to be as I am and for a guy to just accept me for that and not make demands on my character. One of my greatest fears ever since i was a little girl was that I was going to die alone. As a child, most females spend their time dressing up like brides and fantasizing about marrying prince phillip from sleeping beauty... but not this girl. By age 7 i found myself lying awake at night fearing that i was never going to find someone to grow old with. I thought that I never was going to get the white dress, big flowers, shiny diamond ring ((not that i want a diamond engagement ring. it's all about the pink sapphires ;))). I'm awkward. I dont know why I thought like that when i was that little. Now in my life I am beginning to think that I have a character that it will never be difficult for me to figure out who is just simply not cut out for the task of being the man i will love forever. i'm too intense for most guys. I'm all over the place, I'm random, I'm messy, I'm selfish and a little jealous, I'm protective and territorial, and most guys hate that. And the guys who cannot handle that and find it so easy to just leave me clearly are not the one i'm looking for. So despite the fact that my love life is in shambles, I am thankful of my quirks cuz it will help me out in the long run.

ok i thought i was going to be able to recap tonight but i'm exhausted, so that will just have to wait until later today. for now, it's still just me and the moon. goodnight.

Bee Bee Dee Bob Bob

[my music: In The Bathroom ~ Nightmare of You]

This is definitely going to be a summer to remember... new friends, new paths, new plans. I was initially super bummed about the sudden lack of internships, but every cloud has its silver lining. I've begun the search and applying for internships during the school year around Hamden, Cheshire, New Haven and Hartford. So we shall see how that all turns out.

Many other aspects of my preconceived notions about the events and happenings of this summer have completely flipped around since as little as two weeks ago. I thought that I would feel different, be doing different things, hanging out with different people, and perhaps more significant is how i thought that i would be hoping and dreaming of different things. But for me, right now, I love the fact that my life is still changing faster than I even have time to actually realize it. For example, one of the coolest, and possibly the most random part of my summer so far started all because of a random phone call while being stuck in traffic on the cross bronx. I made a friend that I didn't think that I would become this close to, and I can only say that there are going to be many confused people after I post pictures from this upcoming weekend :D!! We've known each other for over a year, and yet we never actually bonded until recently and it's a damn shame... well not so much cuz now we're def making up for lost time. Weekly girly gossip nights, family bar nights, 2-hour phone conversations about boys and how they complicate our lives more than they could ever believe, poem and book sharing, roadtrip planning, and random IMs at 10 am about needing a drink already make me feel like we've been real close for a real long time.

Still, I am back at Abercrombie and Fitch... making money, which is a good thing i guess. Nothing terribly exciting happening there, our visual manager is awesome, Kevin is still a jerk and a half, meredith quit :(, angela is cracked out and helps me maintain my sense of awkwardness ((thank god!!)), the guys are adorable and sweet, and lisa and jackie are going to be my bad news bears this summer ((but in a really good way))... i can feel it.

As far as hanging out with and even just talking to people goes... I am hanging out with and talking to random people that I probably would not have predicted I would be with. And on the other hand, I am not hanging out with and talking to certain people as much as I thought I would be. I have yet to go see jessy-poo, patrick, john, michelle, and kevin... and haven't even really talked to them as much as I normally would have. But I've already seen Wolpy, stini, kris, elisa, and a few others that I normally would only see at most once and def later in the break. straaaange. It's different, but it's fine.

I cannot wait to move into my apartment in august!!!! It's going to be amazing, freedom and independence while still being close enough to the people that I simply cannot picture my life without.

but for now i must bid you a goodnight, because abercrombie and fitch owns my life and I have to be there at 7 am. ugh.

It's still just me and the moon...<3

It's been a longggg time.

[my music: The Part Where You... ~ Hem]

Tonight i discovered a new band, called Hem. Kinda folk, kinda amazing! And it made me feel good about things, and awkward at the same time. So much today made me feel shitty. Discussions of the ever changing racial scene in various neighborhoods made me disgusted at the ignorance of some individuals despite the fact that the colors of the world are changing faster than any one really has time to mentally adjust. Little Italy was never going to stay the way that it was in the 50's and 60's. As long as national immigrant policies keep changing as a result of societal need or desire for and essentially the tolerance of different people keeps changing, then no racial enclave in america will go untouched. That is how it works.

Last night I was out on the patio with a glass of red wine, talking over many things with my mother. One of which is how much I have changed in my views of the world over the course of the last three years of my life. I had a love that nearly destroyed me, but allowed me to be who I am today, scarred but grateful. The wound has long since "healed" and now skin grows much tougher there now, so that while I may be wounded in the future, it will never get as deep as that first cut. I am grateful for the smiles, the love, the passion, and all the knowledge gained from the looks exchanged and embraces felt. I am suprisingly grateful also for some of the most blindly hateful experiences of my life. I am much stronger, and look at things very differently now because of certain people. Furthermore, I am grateful because of a friend who recently got hurt and my experience allows me to be there for her in a way that many of her other friends are not ((not to downplay their role in her experience, I just am offering different help than many people)).
Another thing that has been drastically altered in my life is my view of New City. Growing up here, I hated my town. It was bland, boring, hateful, materialistic, and essentially did not prepare its youth properly for contact with the rest of the world. I always said that once I got out, i would run as fast as I could and never look back; but now, I love this town. Probably because its sentimental value, that only now can i actually appreciate. Wally's Ice Cream was the best place to go to during the summer, while Carvel's was essentially for after school concerts, talent shows, and other events. The street crossing sign with the hula-hoop sticker became a huge part of my senior year of high school ((because Devin & I were cool like that)). Essentially every corner of this town reminds me of someone. Nothing smells or looks better than New City in the summer. Finally I've come to terms with the fact that New City is my home, and I dont think that I would trade that for any other childhood anywhere else.
And in general contact with people around QU made me change how I feel about so many things. I learned that first impressions are everything, if you gag upon first sight of someone... chances are you shouldn't date them. On the other hand, if you find someone, and there's instantly something there, don't be so quick to just let it go. But remember, timing is everything. It doesn't matter how strong something is, if it comes at the wrong time. As far as people of the same gender ((especially girls)), be careful. Backstabbing occurs more in QU ((and probably all over)), than people lose their QCards. I've seen it done to others, i've been stabbed myself. Don't be so quick to trust, but don't go around not trusting anyone. trust became a HUGE deal to me over the course of my entire life. You can't go into a situation trusting someone completely and then the trust degrades from there, ((conditions permitting)) you start at a point where you trust someone enough to stand in front of them and not be scared for your safety. Then from there, that person either shows you that they are trustworthy, or not. That's the best way to approach things without hurting someone, and without making yourself vulnerable.

Anyway, my life is all over the place. If i could offer one bit of advice to anyone else my age, and future college students, it would be this: You have no clue what it is that you want right now. I am driving myself insane contemplating things that I think that I want. I know that I want a career, I know that I don't want constraints in anything i do right now. I know that I want to belong to someone, I know that I don't want to be controlled by someone. And I mean controlled not in the sense of being told what I can and cannot do. I mean controlled in the sense of speaking my mind and not fearing the response. I mean being free to feel different ways, in different situations that don't make sense to my partner, but they are willing to understand that that is how I work, and that is how I am, and they care enough to go with it. one day.......

for now, i have to sleep, cuz i have to get up for work in a few hours.
For now it's still me & the moon.