[my music: A Slow Descent ~ Straylight Run]
first of all, i made my font darker because some people were complaining about it being so light, and quite frankliy it started hurting my head. Tonight i find myself plagued by the fairy of unpleasant contemplation. I am freaking out about and stressing things that I really should not be even really focusing on. There are so many things pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm finding myself surrounding myself more and more with girls that are so easy to please and relaxed about things. A few weeks ago in Nyack with Kim & Jennie we talked about how there are very few friends that you can have a meaningful relationship with and not worry about how much time passes between your visits or conversations. Kim and I could literally go a whole semester without speaking then once we're back in good old Roco, we pick up like not a day has passed since we last saw each other. Jennie and I the same thing, we just tend to miss each other more because we have the guilt of being family and not seeing each other. Either way, we know the value of friendship but understand the demanding nature of life especially during the college years. Ahhhh!!! I love my girls to death and I am slowly starting to realize which ones are closer to me and essentially more important than others. I also am thankful for my friends like Lisa, whom I knew of, but never really knew in high school. We went our separate ways, actually hung out with similar crowds and our stomping grounds overlapped a lot, still we never became friends. Then we started working together and it was like no problem what so ever that we hadn't ever really had a conversation before this past january. It's good to know that some people do get over petty high school cliques. I mean seriously, we never felt compelled to be friends, but growth and maturation have brought us together to the point of phone conversations that essentially play out as "I dont want to go out tonight if I don't go with you to Bruxelle's."
Guys on the other hand seem to be making things more and more difficult for me. I have guys that don't want me to be friends with certain guys, i have guys that don't want me to be friends with guys at all, and i have guys that are seriously just draining life out of me. Seriously, life is too short to be making such demands on people!!! And they need to realize that the more you talk to me about my friendships with other guys killing you, the more it's going to make me want to separate myself from you. I can deal with a fair amount of shit from people, but seriously, everything has its limit and I am quickly approaching mine. And i, from the bottom of my stomach, hate that I am feeling like I no longer want to do certain things that I know deep down inside I orignally wanted to do, because of my inability to deal with certain things anymore. I cannot be pushed around until you are happy! I want my friends to be happy, but I will sure as hell not sacrifice my own desires, happiness and whatever else just for the sake of one other person to be able to sleep better at night, while I lie awake forever guessing what could have been.
More so, I thought I had exactly what I had always wanted. Even If i couldn't have the whole thing, i knew that I didn't want to lose it all. I wanted to keep this in my life for my lack of ability to separate myself from it, and perhaps sheer faith in myself to actually make it alone. But once again everything has its limits and I feel that I have dealt with more than my fair share of garbage from this. I sit and I work at it, and I try, meanwhile nothing is ever returned to me in the same condition in which I handed it out. You, along with many other people I know will sit there and know exactly what I am talking about and mutter under their breaths that I am an idiot who should have sacrificed it all and not worried leaving.
ugh, well I am once again exhausted and completely forgot where I was supposed to be going again with this random ranting post. So, i guess that I will have to wait until tomorrow or some reasonable hour at the very least to finish up my rants. goodnight moon <3
first of all, i made my font darker because some people were complaining about it being so light, and quite frankliy it started hurting my head. Tonight i find myself plagued by the fairy of unpleasant contemplation. I am freaking out about and stressing things that I really should not be even really focusing on. There are so many things pulling me in a thousand different directions.
I'm finding myself surrounding myself more and more with girls that are so easy to please and relaxed about things. A few weeks ago in Nyack with Kim & Jennie we talked about how there are very few friends that you can have a meaningful relationship with and not worry about how much time passes between your visits or conversations. Kim and I could literally go a whole semester without speaking then once we're back in good old Roco, we pick up like not a day has passed since we last saw each other. Jennie and I the same thing, we just tend to miss each other more because we have the guilt of being family and not seeing each other. Either way, we know the value of friendship but understand the demanding nature of life especially during the college years. Ahhhh!!! I love my girls to death and I am slowly starting to realize which ones are closer to me and essentially more important than others. I also am thankful for my friends like Lisa, whom I knew of, but never really knew in high school. We went our separate ways, actually hung out with similar crowds and our stomping grounds overlapped a lot, still we never became friends. Then we started working together and it was like no problem what so ever that we hadn't ever really had a conversation before this past january. It's good to know that some people do get over petty high school cliques. I mean seriously, we never felt compelled to be friends, but growth and maturation have brought us together to the point of phone conversations that essentially play out as "I dont want to go out tonight if I don't go with you to Bruxelle's."
Guys on the other hand seem to be making things more and more difficult for me. I have guys that don't want me to be friends with certain guys, i have guys that don't want me to be friends with guys at all, and i have guys that are seriously just draining life out of me. Seriously, life is too short to be making such demands on people!!! And they need to realize that the more you talk to me about my friendships with other guys killing you, the more it's going to make me want to separate myself from you. I can deal with a fair amount of shit from people, but seriously, everything has its limit and I am quickly approaching mine. And i, from the bottom of my stomach, hate that I am feeling like I no longer want to do certain things that I know deep down inside I orignally wanted to do, because of my inability to deal with certain things anymore. I cannot be pushed around until you are happy! I want my friends to be happy, but I will sure as hell not sacrifice my own desires, happiness and whatever else just for the sake of one other person to be able to sleep better at night, while I lie awake forever guessing what could have been.
More so, I thought I had exactly what I had always wanted. Even If i couldn't have the whole thing, i knew that I didn't want to lose it all. I wanted to keep this in my life for my lack of ability to separate myself from it, and perhaps sheer faith in myself to actually make it alone. But once again everything has its limits and I feel that I have dealt with more than my fair share of garbage from this. I sit and I work at it, and I try, meanwhile nothing is ever returned to me in the same condition in which I handed it out. You, along with many other people I know will sit there and know exactly what I am talking about and mutter under their breaths that I am an idiot who should have sacrificed it all and not worried leaving.
ugh, well I am once again exhausted and completely forgot where I was supposed to be going again with this random ranting post. So, i guess that I will have to wait until tomorrow or some reasonable hour at the very least to finish up my rants. goodnight moon <3
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