[my music: The Part Where You... ~ Hem]
Tonight i discovered a new band, called Hem. Kinda folk, kinda amazing! And it made me feel good about things, and awkward at the same time. So much today made me feel shitty. Discussions of the ever changing racial scene in various neighborhoods made me disgusted at the ignorance of some individuals despite the fact that the colors of the world are changing faster than any one really has time to mentally adjust. Little Italy was never going to stay the way that it was in the 50's and 60's. As long as national immigrant policies keep changing as a result of societal need or desire for and essentially the tolerance of different people keeps changing, then no racial enclave in america will go untouched. That is how it works.
Last night I was out on the patio with a glass of red wine, talking over many things with my mother. One of which is how much I have changed in my views of the world over the course of the last three years of my life. I had a love that nearly destroyed me, but allowed me to be who I am today, scarred but grateful. The wound has long since "healed" and now skin grows much tougher there now, so that while I may be wounded in the future, it will never get as deep as that first cut. I am grateful for the smiles, the love, the passion, and all the knowledge gained from the looks exchanged and embraces felt. I am suprisingly grateful also for some of the most blindly hateful experiences of my life. I am much stronger, and look at things very differently now because of certain people. Furthermore, I am grateful because of a friend who recently got hurt and my experience allows me to be there for her in a way that many of her other friends are not ((not to downplay their role in her experience, I just am offering different help than many people)).
Another thing that has been drastically altered in my life is my view of New City. Growing up here, I hated my town. It was bland, boring, hateful, materialistic, and essentially did not prepare its youth properly for contact with the rest of the world. I always said that once I got out, i would run as fast as I could and never look back; but now, I love this town. Probably because its sentimental value, that only now can i actually appreciate. Wally's Ice Cream was the best place to go to during the summer, while Carvel's was essentially for after school concerts, talent shows, and other events. The street crossing sign with the hula-hoop sticker became a huge part of my senior year of high school ((because Devin & I were cool like that)). Essentially every corner of this town reminds me of someone. Nothing smells or looks better than New City in the summer. Finally I've come to terms with the fact that New City is my home, and I dont think that I would trade that for any other childhood anywhere else.
And in general contact with people around QU made me change how I feel about so many things. I learned that first impressions are everything, if you gag upon first sight of someone... chances are you shouldn't date them. On the other hand, if you find someone, and there's instantly something there, don't be so quick to just let it go. But remember, timing is everything. It doesn't matter how strong something is, if it comes at the wrong time. As far as people of the same gender ((especially girls)), be careful. Backstabbing occurs more in QU ((and probably all over)), than people lose their QCards. I've seen it done to others, i've been stabbed myself. Don't be so quick to trust, but don't go around not trusting anyone. trust became a HUGE deal to me over the course of my entire life. You can't go into a situation trusting someone completely and then the trust degrades from there, ((conditions permitting)) you start at a point where you trust someone enough to stand in front of them and not be scared for your safety. Then from there, that person either shows you that they are trustworthy, or not. That's the best way to approach things without hurting someone, and without making yourself vulnerable.
Anyway, my life is all over the place. If i could offer one bit of advice to anyone else my age, and future college students, it would be this: You have no clue what it is that you want right now. I am driving myself insane contemplating things that I think that I want. I know that I want a career, I know that I don't want constraints in anything i do right now. I know that I want to belong to someone, I know that I don't want to be controlled by someone. And I mean controlled not in the sense of being told what I can and cannot do. I mean controlled in the sense of speaking my mind and not fearing the response. I mean being free to feel different ways, in different situations that don't make sense to my partner, but they are willing to understand that that is how I work, and that is how I am, and they care enough to go with it. one day.......
for now, i have to sleep, cuz i have to get up for work in a few hours.
For now it's still me & the moon.
Tonight i discovered a new band, called Hem. Kinda folk, kinda amazing! And it made me feel good about things, and awkward at the same time. So much today made me feel shitty. Discussions of the ever changing racial scene in various neighborhoods made me disgusted at the ignorance of some individuals despite the fact that the colors of the world are changing faster than any one really has time to mentally adjust. Little Italy was never going to stay the way that it was in the 50's and 60's. As long as national immigrant policies keep changing as a result of societal need or desire for and essentially the tolerance of different people keeps changing, then no racial enclave in america will go untouched. That is how it works.
Last night I was out on the patio with a glass of red wine, talking over many things with my mother. One of which is how much I have changed in my views of the world over the course of the last three years of my life. I had a love that nearly destroyed me, but allowed me to be who I am today, scarred but grateful. The wound has long since "healed" and now skin grows much tougher there now, so that while I may be wounded in the future, it will never get as deep as that first cut. I am grateful for the smiles, the love, the passion, and all the knowledge gained from the looks exchanged and embraces felt. I am suprisingly grateful also for some of the most blindly hateful experiences of my life. I am much stronger, and look at things very differently now because of certain people. Furthermore, I am grateful because of a friend who recently got hurt and my experience allows me to be there for her in a way that many of her other friends are not ((not to downplay their role in her experience, I just am offering different help than many people)).
Another thing that has been drastically altered in my life is my view of New City. Growing up here, I hated my town. It was bland, boring, hateful, materialistic, and essentially did not prepare its youth properly for contact with the rest of the world. I always said that once I got out, i would run as fast as I could and never look back; but now, I love this town. Probably because its sentimental value, that only now can i actually appreciate. Wally's Ice Cream was the best place to go to during the summer, while Carvel's was essentially for after school concerts, talent shows, and other events. The street crossing sign with the hula-hoop sticker became a huge part of my senior year of high school ((because Devin & I were cool like that)). Essentially every corner of this town reminds me of someone. Nothing smells or looks better than New City in the summer. Finally I've come to terms with the fact that New City is my home, and I dont think that I would trade that for any other childhood anywhere else.
And in general contact with people around QU made me change how I feel about so many things. I learned that first impressions are everything, if you gag upon first sight of someone... chances are you shouldn't date them. On the other hand, if you find someone, and there's instantly something there, don't be so quick to just let it go. But remember, timing is everything. It doesn't matter how strong something is, if it comes at the wrong time. As far as people of the same gender ((especially girls)), be careful. Backstabbing occurs more in QU ((and probably all over)), than people lose their QCards. I've seen it done to others, i've been stabbed myself. Don't be so quick to trust, but don't go around not trusting anyone. trust became a HUGE deal to me over the course of my entire life. You can't go into a situation trusting someone completely and then the trust degrades from there, ((conditions permitting)) you start at a point where you trust someone enough to stand in front of them and not be scared for your safety. Then from there, that person either shows you that they are trustworthy, or not. That's the best way to approach things without hurting someone, and without making yourself vulnerable.
Anyway, my life is all over the place. If i could offer one bit of advice to anyone else my age, and future college students, it would be this: You have no clue what it is that you want right now. I am driving myself insane contemplating things that I think that I want. I know that I want a career, I know that I don't want constraints in anything i do right now. I know that I want to belong to someone, I know that I don't want to be controlled by someone. And I mean controlled not in the sense of being told what I can and cannot do. I mean controlled in the sense of speaking my mind and not fearing the response. I mean being free to feel different ways, in different situations that don't make sense to my partner, but they are willing to understand that that is how I work, and that is how I am, and they care enough to go with it. one day.......
for now, i have to sleep, cuz i have to get up for work in a few hours.
For now it's still me & the moon.
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