Wallowing in Rusty Nails

[my music: My Chemical Romance ~ Ghost of You]

So it's been a long time since I've written, but it's for a good reason. School has been wicked consuming, and with family stuff all week it's been rough. I go back to school tomorrow, so I'm happy for that, but I really at the same time wish I could be in Virginia... random, but true. It was soooo good seeing my cousin john again. i hate that this had to bring us together, but I am glad that I got to see him at all. we shared a nice moment togther before me and my family left, and it meant a lot to me. He is my godfather, and I have spent my entire life missing and loving someone that I barely knew, and I don't want that anymore. I always thought that I would eventually come to spending more time with him, but with the loss of Titi Evelyn & Gina, I dont want to put it off again and risk losing him the way that i had lost his mother and sister.

My cousin John has always been this amazing hero in my life... there was nothing quite like getting postcards and birthday cards from across seas when he was with the Marines. I still have the dolls he sent me from all over the world, and the little plastic airplanes have to be somewhere around here. He was always someone that no matter how long I had gone without seeing him I just wanted to hug when I did see him. To this very second I want to hug him and tell him that I miss him and I love him and I'm not angry anymore. i used to have such anger inside of me toward him for never being around and only seeing him once every 3 years if even that. I hated that he wasn't there for so many things when I was growing up, but that's all over now and I just want him to be here from now on. I want him to be there for my 20th birthday celebration this summer, and maybe if we start up our at-one-point-annual 4th of july shindig, and for when i get back from London, and when I just want to go drive down to Virginia because I feel like it. I miss him terribly and no matter what I will forever love that man no matter what. And his wife is amazing. She and I never really talked much, but in the last 2 days that woman has gained the respect of me and she has become ridiculously important to me. She was the unexpected hug that made me feel absolutely safe from all of the pain and sorrow that i had been feeling. Michelle opened her heart to me and her home, and I am taking both as far as I can. I can't wait to go stay with them and just get to know them the way that I should have years ago.

Here's to new beginnings...
I love you John & Michelle


I still feel lost. There's hardly a minute when everything isn't running through my head. It was so hard to say goodbye. I didn't want to. I wish that I had time to just sit there alone with the urns and just spoke to you. I want to hear your laughs again. I listened to Gina's old voicemail and that hurt so bad. At the end you said "I'll talk to you soon," and you didn't. And the next possible "soon" isn't soon enough. I miss you. I love you. I really feel like i lost a part of me when i said goodbye today. At the same time, I know that you will always be here with me.

Here's to goodbye.
a slight sense of closure has come.
Rest in Peace my Aunt & Godmother.
I love you forever and always.