straight jacket feeling

[my music: Yellowcard ~ cigarette]

i dont know.
i'm sad. i feel ugly. i want to sleep.
i want to belong to someone again.
i know that sounds bad... but it's true.
i want to hold someone's hand. I want to really care about someone.
i want to be loved.

try this on straight jacket feeling
so maybe i won't be alone...

Really cute, yet completely unconventional

[my music: Head Automatica ~ Egyptian Musk]

We still have our Valentine's Day themed door decorations up. We're lazy. Our palm tree has become the defining point in our suite, in our sophomore year. We're hawaiian. There are black lights tacked into our walls. We're crazy. There are dust bunnies living under our futons. We're real. There are dozens of pictures of us, documenting the school year's parties, randomness & visits during break. We're in love.

I am feeling so random right now. I know that I should be doing work, but I am too scatter-brained right now. During lunch, Jess & Dany pointed out the fact that I am a picky person. Is that really a bad thing though? I refuse to eat certain things. yes, that is true. I dont like the texture of oatmeal, jello or slim jims. I don't like the taste of chocolate covered pretzels or chocolate and peanut butter together. I can't eat seafood. I like to think that I'm adventurous and willing to try things at least once. I thought that I wouldn't like seaweed salads, but I actually do enjoy them a great deal. So HA! A lot of people would prob never expect me to like something like that, but I do. I am really fickle though. I could like something one second and can't get enough of it, and then the next I can live without it and act like it never was there and that I was addicted to it at all. I've never really been attached to any one thing for too long in my life. I never had that one blanket that i grew up with that i couldn't live without, I never had that stuffed animal. Each of my sisters did. Marisa had her little apple rattle thing, Andrea had foo-foo, and Krissy had her bunny & the blankey. I never had anything. I think that says something about me. I am a fickle fickle person that holds on to things only for a short amount of time, and I suck had keeping things with me forever. I lost my best friend, and prob won't get him back. But crushes even I suck had staying crushed on a guy for an extended amount of time. I can live without MOST guys... there are a select few that i really really want in my life years from now. And I'm selfish. I expect to move on from guys, but them never moving on from me. I need to change that. Another thing that I'm going to change is the way that I look. I'm going to redefine my self by summer, and hopefully look and feel completely different and so much better. Sounds like a plan, and I'm sticking to it.

I have the best friends any girl could ever ask for. And they make me happy, but I need to make myself happy...

Time can't heal everything...

[my music: Bette Midler ~ One True Friend]

This one is for you Ryan...
14 years is a long time. We have shared so much... too much to ever forget. All those years in Little Tor... Mr. Rutter's class is where we met. He called you Cookie Monster, and for some reason I always associated the Monster Mash song with you. Tara had a crush on you and hated that I was so close with you... we had a playdate just about every other day. There was nothing quite like playing basketball, baseball, "volleyball" or any other game we could come up with on your basketball court on the side of your house, or air hockey in the den, or sonic the hedgehog in your basement. Whenever you would attack me or we would be wrestling over something, remember how boomer always attacked you and never me. Remember sitting on the stairs playing fetch with him. I loved boomer. You probably don't remember this, but we had that joke with you making this hand-gesture where you were kinda doing a wave with your pointer finger and used to say "larggy loogy" in a funny voice. i don't remember how it started or what it meant, but that was so funny to me. Your dad also started a joke that stayed with us. Remember the "Fire Hydrant"? Prob not... but I'll just give you a 1 word hint... Hallie. I remember being so upset when we "graduated" from elementary school cuz i was convinced that middle school was not going to be the same for us. It wasn't, but you still were my favorite. I still remember how fascinated by your house I was when you moved over to Lisa Lane. I called your house the donut house. That was the coolest house i had ever seen, but the fact that one wall of your bedroom was entirely glass kinda scared me. that's where you guys got Bailey. I still remember playing with your laser pointer for hours with that dog chasing it all over the place. He was the cutest furball just about EVER! Do you remember when you asked me to the Valentine's Day Dance at Street School in 5th grade? I was so scared, and nervous. You were my first date ever! You showed up with a box of chocolates & a teddy bear that was holding a balloon that said "I love you". I still have the bear at home. I'll never forget the day that you left new city. I lost a huge part of my life that day. And I never fully got it back. I miss you Ryry... you'll always be special to me, and I love you dearly.


You left me with the one wound that time can never heal. Boys may come and go, but you were never just a boy to me.

Road Trip Recap

[my music: Panic! At The Disco ~ The Only Difference Between Martyrdom & Suicide is Press Coverage]

Some people love to travel. They travel by plane, train or car. Of all of the modes of transportation possible, I find that the car is the most fun and allows the most intimate contact between fellow travelers.

7 hours into Wednesday, March 15, 2006, Jess began the adventure in Connecticut, stopping in New York where she picked up me, along with a bagel for each of us, chocolate dipped cookies, a brownie, munchkinds, 2 coffee-coolatas, and a gatorade. Stocked up on food, 2 crazy, fun-loving college girls set out on the road. During the 5 1/2 hours in the car (driving & stopping) we laughed as we asked each other "would you rather" questions, flirted with cute guys in pick-up trucks, pondered "If..." questions, spoke of good times, spoke of bad times, and spoke of love that has long since been buried beneath what seems like miles of new experiences and new people. Jess drove the first 2 half, I drove the last half.

James Madison university is gorgeous. Too bad I almost ran over some kid on his bike as soon as I got onto campus... damn kid then laughed when jess and i freaked out after HE decided to ride into the middle of the road when it was my light. Chilling around campus and the the town of Harrisonburg was soooo much fun. The pedicure & massage was a perfect way to start off the stay... too bad I had a guy do my toes and almost cried as soon as I sat down. I hate feet, I hate it even more when guys touch my feet. That night was not outrageously fun, but it made us happy. Oh man Thursday was fun. Lunch, Shopping, and the Campus Crusade for Jesus meeting made our day well-rounded I'd suppose. Yes... we really did go to a Campus Crusade for Jesus meeting. It was interesting. Thought-provoking. And immediately following that holy experience, we dressed up, prettied up and headed out to a foam party at Main Street Bar. The place was small, the people were weird, the foam was overflowing the foam pit, but we had an AMAZING time. We met this guy from Argentina that was absolutly adorable and we kinda adopted him into our group, we got attacked by a tribe of small Mexican men, and we saw the most gorgeous man to ever walk the face of the planet. He was tall, strong, & dark meat :::wink wink::: too bad he turned out to be kinda jerky... damn. That night Jess & I almost died of choking to death on soap... fun way to die. Needless to say it's 4 days later and I think I still have soap residue stuck in my throat. not fun.

The ride back was equally if not more fun than the ride down. We saw llamas fighting over who was going to be king of the grassy knoll... Jess was making cow mating calls... we stopped at a truely (not to mention strange) country McDonalds... We sang along with and danced to Panic! at the disco... we almost got killed by a truck who apparently didn't see us in the lane next to him... and we made it through 6 states (not including conn.) in one piece.
I love driving. I love traveling. I love Jess. I love James Madison University... too bad they gave Jess a parking ticket for no apparent reason (and that's not even a slight fabrication of the truth).

French Kissing Life

[my music: Sean Paul ~ Temperature]

What made this vacation so incredible to me? Maybe it was hanging out in my fave New Jersey house and making fried oreos. Or it could have been remembering why I spent a huge portion of my life volunteering. Then again it could have been traveling for 6 hours with one of my best friends to Virginia for only 2 days. Maybe it was the clubbing and giving new groups of people a chance. Perhaps it was the CRU meeting that I went to (seriously... i do mean that. if you don't know what CRU is, ask me). Maybe it was seeing my old crew coach, one of the most influential people that I have ever met who is incredible in all that she does. Either way, I came home thinking that this was just going to be yet another week at home that I am just dying to get back to school from, but it turned out to be so much more. I learned. I danced. I forgave. I met. I traveled. I admitted. I visited. and unfortunately I ate... a lot.

A recap of the Virginia trip soon to come...
but for now.. i think sleepy might be a good thing...
So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
And tonites the night the world begins again

This is... what is this?

[my music: Anything Kelly Clarkson]

So i've come to the conclusion that I am a huge Kelly Clarkson fan. She is truely awesome! Seriously, she is the one person to EVER walk off of American Idol with any talent (and that includes the judges and the pathetic host) and she is one of the few female singers that I actually can listen to and love most of her stuff. Ya know what else?? I was listening to a song today that I haven't listened to in the longest time and I had forgotten how well written it actually was and how sincere it sounded... it was Confessions of a Broken Heart by Lindsay Lohan. I don't particularly fancy Lohan's stuff... but this song is wicked good.

Outside of music... I have had the most amazing break so far. I loved seeing my fave RC boys, and peeking in on my fave residents at the nurisng home, and i loved seeing my Jen cuz i haven't seen her in months, and i love that i got to know so many people so much better. I love each and every single person that has walked through my life, regardless of how long they stopped with me.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the Virginia adventure... that is going to be AMAZING!!!! The pics from this week are going to be SICK!

i'm exhausted... and i have to pack.

ps- me and my superb decision-making skills made my already confuzzling life a little more confuzzling. As if i really needed this... and this is what? I dont know!!!!

And the glass plundered to the hardwood floor...

[my music: Nelly Furtado ~ I'm Like A Bird]

My emotions have been all over the place today...
I love being home. It was soooo nice to see my fave boys last night!!! After a scrumptious dinner filled with hilarious & sometimes awkward conversation, the journey to jersey began. It has been so long since the last time i was at the Warner home. And it hit me when I got there how much had actually changed since the last visit... some things will never change though. The joking is still constant, the laughter is still blustering, Max is still crazy, Joey is still adorable, and the fridge is still stocked full of Penn State Creamery products. Making fried oreos is def gonna be my fave part for the home-portion of this vaca! Gotta love my boys!

I love my friends... I got to talk to my bleep bleep today. She's awesome... no matter how big of a slob i can be, she's always there, and I hope she knows that i am always here for her too! only she and i could actually have a completely hilarious conversation for centuries at a time about gynocologists (aka "professional twat-looker-uppers") & yogurt. Right. That's how you know you and your friends are "special!" I talked to mushy mike tonight... that's always a plus in my day. He's such a sweetheart as are the rest of the Long Island boys! Our convos are always random as hell, but they're always awesome. I love that we hung out for only like 2 days and we still keep in touch now and keep getting closer. We had a good weekend, and I hope that we have it again soon. My friends are seriously the most incredible people in the world. PS- I miss K.Rey! :::Note to self: call K.Rey asap!:::

Tears came with unrelenting force today when talks of my little cousins arose. They were forced to grow up too fast... and that's tragedy in its truest form.

My sisters are awesome. It's always so nice to come home and be with them. Blood doesn't come any thicker than this. Laughter, teasing, yelling & dancing always come naturally when we're together. That's is something special.

but i'm exhausted & heading up to Brewster tomorrow morning... so i'm hitting the sack pronto! Goodnight moon.

Musical Break: Dave Matthews Band

oh how this rings true... It's not one of their best known songs, but here it is. Dave Matthews always has something...

When was the point that you showed
Move on to another love
Laughing with kindness
WHen did you decide to break
How much more will it take for 2 people to be happy?
But you lied
Looked me straight in the eye
As if you had nothing to hide
With no shame
As if we were still the same
But now I'm back in the game
I'm over you...

When did you decide to go?
Were you ever going to let me know?
I was deciding
When did you decide to change?
What did I do that made our situation weary?

When you lied
You looked me striaght in the eye
As if you had nothing to hide
With no shame
As if we still were the same
But now I'm back in the game
I'm over you...

Who was the one to tell?
I thought I knew you way too well
But I didn't
The thought of you thinking of her
Assumptions made on a whim
Drives me crazy

Cause you lied
Looking me straight in the eye
As if you had nothing to hide
(but i know you did)
With no shame
As if we were the same
But now I'm back in the game
I'm over you...

Jaw Fat

that's right. jaw fat.

it's something awkward almost.
something different.
something that makes you... well... you!


i dont know what i'm doing anymore.
this beautiful, crazy, unpredictable, unforgetable, irresistable, sexy thing we call life gets more and more confusing by the second.

An Old Man, A Green Burette, and other Satanic Creations

[my music: Finch ~ Project Mayhem]

Who asks questionsa bout hisotry on a literature midterm when it has NOTHING to do with any of the pieces read and discussed in class???

Never before has an exam enraged me as much as this one has!!! How the hell does a man get a job and KEEP it when semester after semester he admittingly desires AND enjoys watching his students fail?? The students whom he is supposed to teach and guide, he would much rather watch suffer and eventually die a painful and bloody academic death. Good Job Professor!

What happened to the days when literature was more than obscure details that contribute nothing to the overall theme and use of literary elements? The days when Pope, Swift, Wordsworth, and Guenthe were brilliant and not boring! The days when Gulliver was fantastic and imaginative! The days when students trusted their teacher and teachers cared about the student's success!

Gone.

Instead, we now have bitter old men who truely embody the immense generation gap that exist between many college students and their professors. This is why younger, more energetic professors and teachers are needed. This man believes that we cannot call ourselves civilized because no one in this class knows French. And then he says that there is no need to learn languages such as Spanish. We should learn French. Because it's civilized. Great way of measuring how much people are civilized.

He also believes that we should not read literature word for word... we should develop "skimming skills"... Why teach a literature class if you are not teaching students to enjoy every word?

Brain, Eye, Heart

[my music: Joan Jett ~ I love Rock & Roll]

Was it a coincidence that we just happened to be dissecting a brain, an eye, and a heart on the same day? I think not. Biology lab (even for non-science majors) is a terrifying thing. An ugly thing.

The weekend was beautiful... despite pure unadulterated, or maybe it was adulterated, ugliness trying to rear its wretched head. I've made bad decisions in the past, I won't deny that. But this weekend was not the time for talks of such nonsense... Laughs were deafening, smiles were blinding, flirty glances were exchanged, friends and memories were made. 5 unbelievable guys came up to visit their friend who happens to live next door (gotta luv 130). Saturday night was the best night... what looked a tad gloomy and boring at first turned into almost unbearable amounts of fun, laughing, dancing, SINGING, and sweating like it was our job. By the end of it all, roomie & I didn't want to sleep, and I found something exciting. That something may be revealed at a later point in time, but for now it's being held hush hush. This weekend left me with a smile on my face and desparately wanting a weekend that never ends.

Unfortunately, as soon as the fun stopped and the boys made their way back to Long Island, the insane work & midterms started... hopefully one weekend soon I, and everyone else that shared in that night will have all of it back again.


...a brain. an eye. a heart.

Wallowing in Rusty Nails

[my music: My Chemical Romance ~ Ghost of You]

So it's been a long time since I've written, but it's for a good reason. School has been wicked consuming, and with family stuff all week it's been rough. I go back to school tomorrow, so I'm happy for that, but I really at the same time wish I could be in Virginia... random, but true. It was soooo good seeing my cousin john again. i hate that this had to bring us together, but I am glad that I got to see him at all. we shared a nice moment togther before me and my family left, and it meant a lot to me. He is my godfather, and I have spent my entire life missing and loving someone that I barely knew, and I don't want that anymore. I always thought that I would eventually come to spending more time with him, but with the loss of Titi Evelyn & Gina, I dont want to put it off again and risk losing him the way that i had lost his mother and sister.

My cousin John has always been this amazing hero in my life... there was nothing quite like getting postcards and birthday cards from across seas when he was with the Marines. I still have the dolls he sent me from all over the world, and the little plastic airplanes have to be somewhere around here. He was always someone that no matter how long I had gone without seeing him I just wanted to hug when I did see him. To this very second I want to hug him and tell him that I miss him and I love him and I'm not angry anymore. i used to have such anger inside of me toward him for never being around and only seeing him once every 3 years if even that. I hated that he wasn't there for so many things when I was growing up, but that's all over now and I just want him to be here from now on. I want him to be there for my 20th birthday celebration this summer, and maybe if we start up our at-one-point-annual 4th of july shindig, and for when i get back from London, and when I just want to go drive down to Virginia because I feel like it. I miss him terribly and no matter what I will forever love that man no matter what. And his wife is amazing. She and I never really talked much, but in the last 2 days that woman has gained the respect of me and she has become ridiculously important to me. She was the unexpected hug that made me feel absolutely safe from all of the pain and sorrow that i had been feeling. Michelle opened her heart to me and her home, and I am taking both as far as I can. I can't wait to go stay with them and just get to know them the way that I should have years ago.

Here's to new beginnings...
I love you John & Michelle


I still feel lost. There's hardly a minute when everything isn't running through my head. It was so hard to say goodbye. I didn't want to. I wish that I had time to just sit there alone with the urns and just spoke to you. I want to hear your laughs again. I listened to Gina's old voicemail and that hurt so bad. At the end you said "I'll talk to you soon," and you didn't. And the next possible "soon" isn't soon enough. I miss you. I love you. I really feel like i lost a part of me when i said goodbye today. At the same time, I know that you will always be here with me.

Here's to goodbye.
a slight sense of closure has come.
Rest in Peace my Aunt & Godmother.
I love you forever and always.