Musical Break: Alanis Morissette

That Particular Time

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish

my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots

at that particular time love had challenged me to stay

at that particular moment I knew not run away again

that particular month I was ready to investigate with you

at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated

we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding

at that particular time love encouraged me to wait

at that particular moment it helped me to be patient

that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell

and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt

and in the meantime I lost myselfin the meantime I lost myself

I'm sorry I lost myself

i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction

you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted

at that particular time love encouraged me to leave

at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me

that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left

at that particular time

The Long Kiss Goodbye...

I talked so much
I'm sure I didn't realize I'd gone crazy
Didn't catch my bloody nose
Or that my heart tried to explode
I still live with my High School QUINNIPIAC friends
Some people never change at all
We're still the same impulsive drunks
We were when we were small
maybe we were made for each other
So before we end and then begin
We'll drink a toast to how it's been
A few more hours to be complete
A few more nights on satin sheets
A few more times that I can say
I've loved these days
This is the time to remember
Cause it will not last forever
These are the days
To hold on to
Cause we won't
Although we'll want to
This is the time
But time is gonna change

This is not simply the story of my college career ending and attempting to come to terms with the idea of not being around the people who started as friends and became the biggest part of my life (despite the bickering, gossiping and fighting); this is the story of a girl who was forced to grow up like she's never had to even consider before.

In 2004, Quinnipiac was not the place I wanted to be. Between the nasty girls I lived with first, and having a boyfriend in another school, UMass Amherst was actually where I wanted to be. Had I done that, I am not sure if I could even be close to the point that I am in life where I can see things reasonably clear. Perhaps I would have cried less. Perhaps I would have loved differently. Either way, I wouldn't know My Girls or The Boys; the people that make me believe I'm one of the lucky ones at Quinnipiac, I found real people: the smiles of the pictures that made the last 4 years of my life worth living. I'm a sap, but everyone already knows that.

Irma<3Troup<3Hill<3Aspen Glen.
It really was the best 4 years of my life.

Now the growing up that comes with graduating college and moving on is not the only brand of growing up that I'm dealing with right now. Breaking up, especially when you believed that person had what it takes to love forever, is never easy. My darling heart though is not the only person to leave my life at this point though; there's always that security blanket. The boy who was the first one to truly break my heart, the one everyone remembers being that I cried everytime liquor touched my lips because of him. After coming to terms with not being together but always having a love for each other, we saw each other, without fail, every single time I came home from Quinnipiac. It was so much easier than staying away, especially when some unfortunate college relationship came to its inevitable end. We knew we would never get back together, but always talked about the emotional attachment that would surely never fade. He never really dated, I did. But now he's not here. Yes, of course, when the most incredible relationship I've ever experienced is no longer, he moves to Israel. Yes, Israel. Even though it's only for the summer, I feel strange not having him to pick me up in the middle of the night to go for a drive or find some dunkin donuts. My security blanket is gone, and now I have to deal with a break-up truly on my own. It sounds stupid and it sounds weak, but I know and I hope that people acknowledge that I am not the only one who has experienced having this kind of security blanket.

My Quinnipiac experience is over.
My English love affair is over.
My dependency on a former love is over.

And somehow I think I'll be just fine.