The Dancing Star

The low lights cast dark and strategically placed shadows that hide the salt water streaming from my bloodshot eyes as I selfishly clench your "Broken Knowledge". The edges of the pages are curled and creased like the suit jacket you wore when I saw you last. I hold the book as though by some miracle you can feel the warmth of my wretched fingers. But you can't. Everyone sitting at that table with me was yearning to hold you but settled for cold leather bound books of your written words. Wherever you may have gone, we now wonder if you ever realized how many people you truly touched.

We read your written words to a room full of people, most of which knew that you had passed, knew that you were a great man and a great professor; but knew little beyond that. I read your poem "If Not The Wind" to the understanding crowd that sat attentively, eager to hear the words of the man that so many people are grieving. It was so difficult for me to do it, but I knew that I had to. I had to tuck my fears in to my back pocket and read it for you; for your honor, for the lessons you have taught me, the journeys that we've shared, for the memories we've made, and for the tears that we've cried. You did not fear the wind in the poem, and I know that you did not fear the wind in the end.

On the way back to my car, I whispered into the night wind my truest emotions for you. And I knew that I was being selfish in thinking that you heard me, that you were watching over me. I hope that you do drop in once in a while and take notice of how you have truly left a heavy thumbprint on my life.

To me, you are that dancing star. Even though it never danced, the man it was branded on was a bright light in a dark place. You were that hope and guidance for me, the girls, and every other student you've had. As I am sure, your fellow professors and scholars felt that you were the same for them.

You are loved.
You will be sorely missed,
but we will always have London.

Rest In Peace
Mark Evan Johnston
August 22, 1945 - November 27, 2007

Thanks so much...

[my music: Big Casino ~ Jimmy Eat World]

So it seems that my last Thanksgiving break ever has come and is fleeting into the frigid night. It was a truly special week, with many events, many new friends, and many chances to sit and reflect. Thanksgiving day was great; sitting around discussing random happenings in separate but still connected lives. Talks of a wedding in exotic locations remained sprinkled throughout the day, with nothing short of excited responses and ideas. Toward the end of the night the women found themselves gathered around a table that continues to be occupied by pumpkin spice mini bundts, rice crispy treats, brownies, raspberry cream chocolate cookies, tea cups, and about a million Thanksgiving themed tiny paper napkins; as we still discussed things that make us smile, and laugh, and pretty much things that make us Chan women. All of this, while daddy and MJ rested in preparation for their father/future son-in-law fishing trip. Overall, it was an extraordinary day. And I must add that I am so happy for Andrea and MJ on their engagement, and despite the lack of importance of material objects in a loving relationship, her ring is absolutely exquisite.

Besides the day itself, so many things made me smile this week. A day reserved for me and my mother at the beginning of my break for shopping, book browsing at barnes & noble, making dinner, movie watching and a Bailey's cheesecake, made the day quite enjoyable. My mother is the best.

Then of course, hitting up Brux with Lisa & Courtney on Thanksgiving Eve was enjoyable to say the least. Dancing in the boom-boom room, just chatting, running into Beau (my faveee) and Monika, and so much more reminded me why I haven't completely given up on the possibility of the existence of quality life forms in Rockland. Plus, scarfing down McD's with Lisa at 3 am is always a plus in my book.

In the midst of all the happiness and life-loving, there was that depressing reminder that sometimes people change beyond recognition over the course of college. Also, sometimes when long-term relationships end, the parties involved immediately return to the age at which they started the relationship. It's a bummer when you witness it first hand, and get kinda screwed over in the process, but hopefully that certain someone will come to realize how life changes and we have to stay strong and not just give in to your childish urges. Also, sometimes the nice guys turn into complete assholes in college. BUT, somewhere tucked in the one downer night, was flashback central. George, Mark, Alap & Harsha made the most unexpected appearance, or should I say reappearance, in my life. And it was interesting, but delightful nonetheless. In addition, I'd have to say that a certain someone came through for me that night when I really needed someone. And that person has no dedication to me anymore and the fact that he still came through meant a lot to me. So thank you.

My last full day in rockland started off with such creative force in my soul, so I made a few christmas cards that came out beautifully (yes, i am a card-making nerd!). Then of course 2 hours on the phone with my favorite boy was enough to make me smile for the rest of the day. I could never get sick of that voice :D. Then my last day at Aber was pretty decent, i mean working with Lisa, Megan, Alicia, Decker, and Susan (and some newbies) is always a good time. Closing down women's 1 with Alicia & Decker was HYSTERICAL *Foofy/Pookie wants to dance!* After work, having to yell to communicate with Decker & Alicia in Decker's vibrator on wheels was quite hilarious, as was Decker and I yelling while walking down to the 189 in the voice of a 1980's housewife from Brooklyn at our imaginary husband Harry because he's disgusting. The fun slipped for a minute or two when we arrived, but the night ended on a very high note.

And as per usual, the week at A&F was great. People may judge those that work there, making claims like they're fake, snobby, bitchy, materialistic, shallow, and whatever other negative garbage people want to sling at them; however, in my experience, there are amazing people that work there. I will admit though that there are better people in the Palisade's Aber, than in the Connecticut Post (sorry guys). You know what? We are judgemental at times, harsh and bitchy. But we're awesome together and have a great time no matter what. I'm gonna miss them over these next few weeks, and I'm stoked for our winter break reunion.

Even outside this week, life has been lovely, depressing, joyous, and infuriating. But that's the way life is, and coming to terms with it and rolling with the punches is all we can do. And I feel as though I'm rolling quite well and that's why I am so incredibly happy now. Also, with events in my life, I've come to realize when my years of pain, mediocrity, and happiness begin and end, and I think that I am in my rightfully earned year of happiness. It's been a while since I've been this positive with my outlook on anything. It's also been a while that I've been asking for a year of pease, serenity, and honest happiness. Finally, I think it's here.

My life is fantastic right now, and that is what I am thankful for.

Sometimes that slight twinge of pain lets us know we're alive

[my music: From Where You Are ~ Lifehouse]

So over the course of this semester thus far, I have realized and come to embrace the multifaceted nature of everything in this life. From the minuscule to the immense, everything has more than one side from which people may view it. Which is why, as explained in my previous posts, that I believe my views and beliefs to be realistic while others see them as the bitter rantings of an unromantic atheist. Actually, the more that I read up on various belief systems, the more I tend to believe the pagan beliefs than anything else. But that's a whole other post!

Anyway, the point of this post is in the realization I came to the other day I was writing a message to the guy that's very dear to me, but very far. The concept of missing a person is often regarded as such a negative thing. It's a state of deprivation. A state of unhappiness with the absence of another. But that day I realized that I don't feel deprived or unhappy. I feel content in the idea that I have someone to miss. So many people at this age are searching for that someone to mean something, and I have it. It doesn't matter that he's in another country, it doesn't matter that I have to go months without him. I'm so happy with the idea of missing him because it lets me know that I have someone that I care about. And the fact that he misses me, lets me know that my feelings and emotions are not in vain.

Essentially, I would much rather care and feel this slight twinge of pain, than never have known what it feels like to care about him at all.

There's a difference between negative and realistic

[my music: Something ~ The Beatles]

So the other day I was at a party and this girl came up to me in her drunken excitement, and was thrilled to see someone from her philosophy class. She proceeded to tell me my name followed by "you're the really negative girl" . . . wow. As if that wasn't enough, she then inquired as to why i was so negative and asked if I had a horrible life.

I happen to feel that I don't view things in a negative manner, but more so a realistic manner. Perhaps it's also my attempt at self preservation, because with these viewpoints, I cannot be disappointed when I encounter love that was referred to as "unconditional" or when I die and don't find myself with Saint Peter up at the pearly gates of heaven.

I also happen to feel that my life is awesome right now. Only a lucky few can find themselves in my shoes. It's 2007, and I find myself a 21 year old healthy individual getting ready to graduate from a University that I love and at which have spent the last 4 years with friends that have shaped my life. Friends that I've made at Quinni and the ones that i still have from home are my life. My family is an incredible force in my life of 5 individuals who are strong and supportive. Further still I have an amazing guy in my life who is so dedicated to me and keeps me happy unlike any other guy i've ever been with, and he does it all from 3500 miles away. I maintain a steady level of happiness and satisfaction these days. So my views shared with my class are in no way, shape, or form a result of any "negative" life.

Oh, that reminds me, today is first official day of something amazing. :D

I Love You Unconditionally?

[my music: 1234 ~ Feist]

So yesterday I realized that the entire student population in my Philosophy of Life and Life After Death has come to a consensus that I am a negative person.

First I told the class that I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I would much rather believe that the spirits of the departed remain among here, weaving in and out of the worlds of living individuals; as opposed to believing that if we commit adultery, or take the Lord's name in vain, then we are doomed to a fiery eternity of pain and torture. Or on the opposing end, I think an eternal existence among happy, cubby cherubs chilling in clouds, would become rather banal.

Then in a discussion regarding near death experiences, I expressed that i don't believe that the tunnel vision and the hearing of voices is anything significantly spiritual and religous. People across cultural and religious boundaries expereience the same things, and I believe that this can be explained by the simple connection that we are all human beings with the same general anatomy and body functions. When the body is shutting down and coming that close to actual death, I feel as though what people see and hear are simple the results of a the few sparks still going off in the mind of the individual. And the reason why some experience this and others don't is nearly similar to why some individuals recall dreams as positive or negative, while others don't recall their dreams at all. There are arguments that people having these experiences come back to life with a much different outlook on the rest of their earthly existence and resulting from a deeply religious awakening. Once again, I disagree with this statement. I think that people who come so close to losing their life simple come back with a different regard for the life which they lead. They now understand the frailty of life and the limits of time on such, which therefore will change the way they conduct the remainder of their days. It's only natural for someone to have a changed outlook and manner of handling things when they realize that it is actually limited.

Then last night, the discussion revolved around love. My professor wrote a book "The Loving Person," in which he explores the nature of loving, styles, concepts, then different parts of loving interactions: sex, marriage, friendship and death. Well there is an argument made by a philosopher by the name of Erich Fromm, that women love their children unconditionally because of the obviously physical contact between mother and child; while the father loves the child conditionally because the child needs to fulfill certain expectations of the father's, in order to receive his love.

I do believe that parents love their children differently, however I do not think it is fair to say that the mother's physical carrying of the child during those first 9 months is grounds to claim a closer connection. In some situations, the father can be closer to the child for any number of reasons (including postpartum depressions, work/occupation arrangements), and can then claim to love the child more than the mother does.

However, I do not believe in the existence of unconditional love. Unconditional by its very definition is: "not conditional; not contingent; not determined or influenced by someone or something else" (dictionary.com). Another aspect of unconditional love, not stated in this definition is that it would be witout compromise. To me, I do not see how someone could love anyone without certain conditions or compromise. In every loving situations, regardless of if it may be between mother and child, between lovers, friends, or family, you will have to compromise and maintain certain boundaries which are essentially conditions that love simply cannot pass. Many will claim to loving family members and even lovers unconditionally, but I feel that the claim is only because the boundaries were never breached and compromises never broken. I am not saying that the feeling of unconditional love cannot exists. I do feel however, that it is an illusion.

Maybe I am negative. Maybe I am mildly cynical. But I have reasons for believing these things, and I can argue my points just as easily as a relgious fanatic. And the way I think makes me who I am.